it's true.I have a job at the local 3M plant as a "sanitation
engineer", or a "well-paid janitor". I've been
bragging to my friends for some time now, and I thought I'd
bring that here. Well, sort of.
see, I've been telling everyone how slack it is, and how much
I get paid, and what have you. But in reality, I've been wanting
to tell someone, anyone, of the strange and evil things I
have born witness to in the two short months I've been working
there. I've just been too afraid. But no more! No longer will
I keep silent about the dark and twisted goings-on behind
the closed doors of 3M Morden!
keep in mind that while I am going to make a stink about certain
things at my job, I really can't go into too much detail about
the production areas or anything. 3M has some kind of crazy
"Information Control" policies if I reveal anything,
they will come for my firstborn child. No joke.
first shock came to me on the very day I started there. This
wasn't anything silly like just 'getting lost' or anything,
no. It's the kind of shock that comes along with sitting in
a training seminar next to your evil twin.
right. This guy, named Adam, is my evil twin. Unfortunately,
I don't have a good picture of him, but really, I don't need
it. Just take your average workaday picture of me. Got one?
Good. Now add a nosering, various ear piercings, a constantly
contemptuous look on my face, and slightly poofier hair. That's
do I know he's evil, or my twin? Well, the piercings and tattoo
give away the 'evil' part, I think. And as for the 'twin'
aspect, let's run down the list, shall we?
wears a black trenchcoat, similar to my more friendly, brownish-grey
cracks wise. I crack wise.
has glasses (this a little thin, but still). I have glasses.
had a copy of Return of the Jedi on the back seat of his
car. (Okay, I don't do that, but I really like that movie.)
mostly keep our distance from each other and haven't spoken
yet. I'm afraid of him, and he probably thinks I'm a moron.
But people have been mistaking us for each other, and I do
make a point of quietly glaring at him every time he's not
frightening thing I have found while working there is in fact
far more evil than "Adam", and a lot more subversive.
We call it The Eagle, 93.5 FM.
see, The Eagle is one of those shitty contemporary lite-rock
and pop stations. But this is no ordinarary shitty radio station,
oh heavens no. As they claim about four hundred times a day,
they have "The Perfect Music Mix." Which of course
means that you hear the same songs over and over and OVER.
I think their station programmers and deejays have conversations
like this every day:
You know, guys, we should really play some new music.
Programmer 1: Change...the mix?
DJ: You know, just throw some new tunes in.
Programmer 2: No. No no no. It's impossible.
Programmer 1: He's right. We can't change the mix.
DJ: Why not?
Progammer 1 and 2, in hushed tones: Because it's perfect.
top of that, the Eagle has clearly made a dark pact with Satan.
Visit any workplace in the area and ask around a bit, you'll
see what I mean. The main reason that every place in Southern
Manitoba listens to the damned Eagle all day is because (surprise!)
they can't seem to get any other stations in their buildings.
3M is exactly the same. Believe me, I've tried it myself.
Now the only two ways this can happen are that 1.)it's all
coincidence, which is way off, or 2.)the Eagle sacrificed
some animals to the Father of Lies and in return he jammed
radio signals going to every workplace in the area. Which
is obviously the truth.
last great evil of this job is that it's seriously affecting
my mental stability. For example: the other day I was vacuuming
a particular floor mat, close to a corner. Suddenly, the group
of Polish people that were touring the plant came around the
corner, single file. I waited for them to pass, and not knowing
exactly how many there were, it seemed like there were a lot
of them. I'm just standing there waiting, and watching all
these people walk past, when one thought echoes in my head;
Traaaaain!!" (said in the way they say "Soul Train"
I started giggling like mad at this. Seriously. That had to
be the single most retarded thing I've said in a long time,
and yet I found it completely hilarious. Oh sure, it's funny
now that I look back at it, but mostly I'm laughing because
that was such a terribly stupid thing to say.
hey, aside from being haunted by my evil twin, being subjected
to Sheryl Crow six times a day and slowly losing my sanity,
I can't complain. Well, I probably could, but odds are you
wouldn't believe me.
It seems I've written an entire article without a single picture,
fig. 1: The Token Picture
I'm going to have to ask you to cease in this endeavor."
"But I'm sailing around the world!" *ba-dum tss!*