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LOOK, I HAVE A JOB!
And it's rife with evil!!

by Nathan - July 5, 2002

Yes, it's true.I have a job at the local 3M plant as a "sanitation engineer", or a "well-paid janitor". I've been bragging to my friends for some time now, and I thought I'd bring that here. Well, sort of.

You see, I've been telling everyone how slack it is, and how much I get paid, and what have you. But in reality, I've been wanting to tell someone, anyone, of the strange and evil things I have born witness to in the two short months I've been working there. I've just been too afraid. But no more! No longer will I keep silent about the dark and twisted goings-on behind the closed doors of 3M Morden!

Please keep in mind that while I am going to make a stink about certain things at my job, I really can't go into too much detail about the production areas or anything. 3M has some kind of crazy "Information Control" policies if I reveal anything, they will come for my firstborn child. No joke.

The first shock came to me on the very day I started there. This wasn't anything silly like just 'getting lost' or anything, no. It's the kind of shock that comes along with sitting in a training seminar next to your evil twin.

That's right. This guy, named Adam, is my evil twin. Unfortunately, I don't have a good picture of him, but really, I don't need it. Just take your average workaday picture of me. Got one? Good. Now add a nosering, various ear piercings, a constantly contemptuous look on my face, and slightly poofier hair. That's him.

How do I know he's evil, or my twin? Well, the piercings and tattoo give away the 'evil' part, I think. And as for the 'twin' aspect, let's run down the list, shall we?

  • He wears a black trenchcoat, similar to my more friendly, brownish-grey trenchcoat.
  • He cracks wise. I crack wise.
  • He has glasses (this a little thin, but still). I have glasses.
  • He had a copy of Return of the Jedi on the back seat of his car. (Okay, I don't do that, but I really like that movie.)

We mostly keep our distance from each other and haven't spoken yet. I'm afraid of him, and he probably thinks I'm a moron. But people have been mistaking us for each other, and I do make a point of quietly glaring at him every time he's not looking.

Another frightening thing I have found while working there is in fact far more evil than "Adam", and a lot more subversive. We call it The Eagle, 93.5 FM.

You see, The Eagle is one of those shitty contemporary lite-rock and pop stations. But this is no ordinarary shitty radio station, oh heavens no. As they claim about four hundred times a day, they have "The Perfect Music Mix." Which of course means that you hear the same songs over and over and OVER. I think their station programmers and deejays have conversations like this every day:

DJ: You know, guys, we should really play some new music.
Programmer 1: Change...the mix?
DJ: You know, just throw some new tunes in.
Programmer 2: No. No no no. It's impossible.
Programmer 1: He's right. We can't change the mix.
DJ: Why not?
Progammer 1 and 2, in hushed tones: Because it's perfect.

On top of that, the Eagle has clearly made a dark pact with Satan. Visit any workplace in the area and ask around a bit, you'll see what I mean. The main reason that every place in Southern Manitoba listens to the damned Eagle all day is because (surprise!) they can't seem to get any other stations in their buildings. 3M is exactly the same. Believe me, I've tried it myself. Now the only two ways this can happen are that 1.)it's all coincidence, which is way off, or 2.)the Eagle sacrificed some animals to the Father of Lies and in return he jammed radio signals going to every workplace in the area. Which is obviously the truth.

The last great evil of this job is that it's seriously affecting my mental stability. For example: the other day I was vacuuming a particular floor mat, close to a corner. Suddenly, the group of Polish people that were touring the plant came around the corner, single file. I waited for them to pass, and not knowing exactly how many there were, it seemed like there were a lot of them. I'm just standing there waiting, and watching all these people walk past, when one thought echoes in my head;

"Poooooooolllllle Traaaaain!!" (said in the way they say "Soul Train" on TV)

And I started giggling like mad at this. Seriously. That had to be the single most retarded thing I've said in a long time, and yet I found it completely hilarious. Oh sure, it's funny now that I look back at it, but mostly I'm laughing because that was such a terribly stupid thing to say.

But hey, aside from being haunted by my evil twin, being subjected to Sheryl Crow six times a day and slowly losing my sanity, I can't complain. Well, I probably could, but odds are you wouldn't believe me.

Oops. It seems I've written an entire article without a single picture, so...umm...HERE.


fig. 1: The Token Picture
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to cease in this endeavor."
"But I'm sailing around the world!" *ba-dum tss!* (iris out)

-Nathan
-e-mail: [email protected]
or :[email protected]
(whichever works for you)

And why not check out Magic Story Time? It loves you, but you never pay attention to it. For shame!

 

 

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