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NINJA IN ACTION!
Click for Tits! WITH DOWNLOAD!

by Andrew - July 23, 2002

If there's only one thing that will cheer everyone up, it's a good ninja movie. If there's one thing that will cheer everyone up by having sex with thier funny bone, it's a bad ninja movie.

Ninja in Action falls into the second category. Nathan and I had watched this movie once before. The tape itself seems to hold magical properties in that when my VCR breaks, all I need to do is stick in Ninja in Action and the problem is solved! It's probably the best five dollars Nathan has ever spent.

The movie itself is horrid. The quality of the dubbing is about on par as an early Godzilla flick with unsyncronized dialogue coming out of its ass. The movie is about a Ninja that may or may not be in Action. It's hard to tell when you're slipping in and out of consciousness from lack of excitement. Nathan suggested that the name of the movie might not be Ninja in Action but rather the less productive title, Ninja Inaction.

The plot goes something like this; A guy is riding in his car with a lot of precious jewels in a briefcase through the deadly streets of Hong Kong when all of a sudden NINJA ATTACK! Which makes perfect sense since the movie was filmed in 1987 and my mom back in the 80s always told me never to talk to strangers, because they were deadly Ninjas! Of course, that just made me want to talk to them more.

The Ninjas take the jewels back to the thier secret ninja lair but not before cutting off the guy's arm. If this movie has taught me anything about life, love and the female anatomy, it's that if you're transporting any sort of precious cargo, never, never! handcuff it to any part of your body, it's liable to get cut off. Ouch!

All this exciting action takes place within the first five minutes of the tape, two of which are the original theatrical preview. Well paint me up and call me Sally, this might as well have been a fricken DVD with all the extras included! But really, the movie was such crap that it was shown in only one theater as cited at the end of the trailer by, "Coming to this theater!".

The two main heroes (I'm using that term in the loosest sense of the word) are Rex and Tina. Hey, what's this? It looks like I found thier AIM profiles! Let's have a looksee...

~-Tina-~
Age:
20-SOMETHING ^_^
Sex: LOTS! :D :D :D :D :D
Location:
I'M IN HONG KONG KICKING ASS WITH MY HOT BOYFRIEND REX BUT I USUALLY HANG AROUND THE US LOL!!1
Occupation: PROFESSIONAL ASS KICKER DON'T MESS WITH ME
Interests: I LIKE BOYZ SEX AND WASHING MY BOOBIES WHILE HAVENING SEX WITH BOYZ :D

Tina is the daughter of the man killed in the beginning of the film and has travelled to Hong Kong to exact revenge and get laid, not necessarily in that order. Ah yes, if I only had a nickel for each time I've said, "Goin' to Hong Kong to get laid and exact revenge. If not back, avenge death." I'd have at least fifty cents, possibly more.

Rex666
Age:
shutup
Sex: don't you talk to me
Location: shutup
Occupation: kicking your ass
Interests: i am very interested in kicking your ass :p

Rex is Tina's boyfriend that wears far too many speedos during the course of the film. Sure, it's only the one, but wouldn't you say that's too many? It's much easier to kick a man in the balls when he's wearing a speedo. Just think about that for a while, Rex.

As you can see, Tina and Rex are smart ones. They even managed to camoflauge themselves wearing all pure white against a tree colored background. I don't know how they managed to pull that off. I've been trying for years to make the color white be camoflauged in a forest in summer.

Now, as mentioned earlier, Tina likes washing her boobies. There's about a five minute scene of her just washing her tits. That's all well and good except for two things: 1. One of the cameramans dreads is in the shot the majority of the time and 2. I'm sure she tried really hard and all but she's not actually that big. Plus, as soon as she's done Rex comes along and starts man-handling her with his "god only knows where they've been" hands. I mean, for goodness sakes, she just finished washing them!

The rest of the movie is forgettable except for one character that, for some reason or another, appears in the film WITH A HUGE FRIGGEN AFRO! Now, I always get a kick out of afros but this guy needs a TV show or something just about him. I don't even think he has more than one line in the movie.

All in all the movie was a blast to watch and has been a cult favorite here at CMF ever since Nathan made that faithful trip to Canadian Tire. It ranks right up there with Chopping Mall and The Curse. And for a Ninja move that was shot in Puerto Rico, it had a surprising number of Chinese folk in it.

Good stuff in the movie: Hilariously stupid Ninjas, but they're Ninjas and by default are cool. Great soundtrack (except the porn groove) CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TO THE TRAILER MP3 (no video because I'm lazy and the sound quality isn't much better on the tape so I think you're just gonna have to deal with it)

Bad stuff in the movie: Worst porn groove ever!

The bottom freakin' line: Get it if you can find it.

Andrew
AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: [email protected]

Conrad and Joel's, Jason Rivera, The Closed Mind, Artfag.net

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