| Canada,
wonderous mystical land to the North of most everything. I'm
proud to say that I'm Canadian. I brave -40 degree weather
in T-shirts while eating popsicles. Our air is fresh and our
water is clean (excluding Vancouver and Toronto). And our
flour packaging features sex-offenders from the seventies
that take from the rich and give it to the poor.
What
I am talking about is a brand of flour, you know, the stuff
you bake stuff with, out here called Robin Hood. Now, I've
seen a lot of Robin Hood movies and all of them, from the
one with the animals to the one with the Kevin Costners, have
never told the other long forgotten story of Robin
Hood.
Here,
now, is a fact that Hollywood doesn't want you to know about
Robin Hood. The flour companies, however, flaunt about with
undue concern for the well being of the Robin Hood franchise.
FACT
1: Robin Hood didn't live in Mideval times, he lived
in the 70s underneath an unfortunate mix McDonald's/cement
processing facility. Fortunately the X-lax properties of McDonalds
food and the constipation ramifications of ingesting wet cement
cancel each other out quite perfectly.
Robin
Hood, according to our sorces, was seen many times during
the seventies, approaching children saying, "Hey kid,
wanna try some... flour?" The reasons why Mr.
Hood tried to sell flour to kids as if it were some illicit
drug are still unclear to this day, however rumours have been
flying about that he infact did not know that there were other
types of illicit drugs much more illicit than everyday
baking flour. Some may attribute this to his disease known
as "retardism", while still other say that it is
because he was actually a time traveller from the moon.
"Time
traveller from the moon you say?", yes, yes I do say
that. Not that I believe it, because we all know that the
moon doesn't even exist. But some right-wing-neo-liberal-fascist
extremists will have you believe that they have found a Flux
Capacitor, famously known for being the device that makes
time travel possible, covered in moon dust under stack of
old Penthouse magazines. The obvious hole in this theory is
that they failed to connect this in any way to Robin Hood.
They could have at least sprinkled some flour or ground up
chalk that look like flour onto the Flux Capacitor. They just
got lazy.
However,
if you take a look at the packaging for the product, you will
find a nice profile of the man in question. Look at him, just
look at him. Pimpin' hat, long red hair, and a moustache to
rival Tom Selleck's, this guy is up to no good with small
children. He sells the good stuff, the "Pre-Sifted"
smack, ye olde fashioned blowe that everyone is looking
for. And better yet, it's all purpose. Yes, that's
right. Sure you could bake with it, or you could
sniff it, snork it, stanch it, pork it, floor it, re-sift
it, york it, spoon it, groon it, kabob it, flambe it, or just
eat it right out of the package. It's all up to you.
You
can thank this enterprising entrepenuer in far too tight tights
from the seventies for today's drug culture. He was a pioneer
in his own right, like Jesus (read: The Big Lebowski). It's
not known if he stole the goods from the wealthy and sold
it at an incredibly high price to the poor addicts, but some
hopeful dreamers like to think that he did.
He
died the way he lived, selling flour to kids by the kilo,
if that's even possible. And if it's any consolation to his
many fans, their hopes and dreams now crushed from my unrelentless
unleashing of disturbing imagery and incredible factual evidence
(lies), all I can say to them is "Have a good one". |
