| Hello
my fellow everyones that read the site. I've got a
doozy for you today. As the article title implies,
I'll be talking about an arcade game based soley around
the king of pop (not soda), Michael Jackson.
In
recent months, MJ has been the worlds entertainment
in a time of uncertainty and nearly malable, palpable,
edible tension. Although, it seems that because the
news media as of late has been more focussed on other
matters, old MJ has been left to share the same fate
as other long forgotten media celebrities such as
Monica Lewinski, Elian Gonzales, and last but not
least, O.J. Simpson. But here's the one million dollar
question for you, did Monica or Elian have an arcade
game based on them that was released in the early
90s by none other than Sega? The answer, my friends,
will cost you one million dollars.
If
you're anything like me, you've played a lot of arcade
games in the bowling alley. Of course, that was after
three games of exciting junior league bowling action,
and I presume that makes you a lot less like me, and
possibly much cooler. I filled my time by playing
Road Blasters and pinball. I don't know why pinball,
besides that I rocked at pinball. However, the local
bowling emporium never received a Moonwalker game,
and I'm glad. After playing it I have been lead to
believe that monkeys possess super powers, parental
negligence is rampant in our fair cities, and that
Michael Jackson is our savior from everything. Let
me explain.
Michael, your nemisis Mr. BIG, and
possibly the ugliest kid ever.
In
the game you play as Michael. Wearing his then signature
white suit, you're out one day when you realize that
Mr. BIG has kidnapped small children. Suffice it to
say, I was distraught that Mr. BIG didn't turn out
to be a large, anthropomorphic candy bar. Seriously,
it wouldn't have been out of place in this game. What's
even more frightening than candy with body parts is
the fact that MJ must rescue small children. Some
parents they have. One, they let millions of children
get kidnapped; two, Michael Jackson is who they call
on to rescue them. That's what I call extreme negligence/retardism.
Real children regard Michael Jackson as thier mortal
enemy, while the portrayal of children in this game
is one that has love and respect for ol' Emmjay, offerring
icons of health and special power ups. My mother has
only given me two pieces of advice, ever, and one
of them was never ever, EVER be rescued by
Michael Jackson. The other piece of advice was, "Don't
play with that, it'll fall off!".
Speaking
of monkeys, Jacko's Bubbles makes a few appearances.
You come across him in various points in the game.
Touch him, TOUCH HIS MONKEY! It's quite exhilerating.
What happens when Michael touches his monkey? He grows
to about 5 times the size, changes into Mecha-Michael
and shrinks back down to do some serious damage. I
kid you not. I had conflicting emotions of "awesomeness"
and "I think I threw up a little in my mouth". While on one
hand you could now do slightly more damage, on the
other hand you looked even fruitier, if that's
even possible. I'm not quite sure if it is.
"Evil"
Of
course, your objective in the game is to fight your
way through all five levels, saving children as you
go, and generally defeat evil with your Top 40 skillz.
Although, I'm using the term "evil" very
loosely, as I figure anyone against the progression
of the Jackson isn't so bad. Sometimes I just load
up on credits and make Michael stand there and take
hits repeatedly. But when you do feel like playing,
I dunno, you started feeling sorry for the children
or something, you should know your moves and what
they do.
Shoot:
This is your basic shooting thing, with a kick.
No, not an actual kick. Actually, he has what I'm
going to call "Magic energy that fires from his
fists" that defies all known laws of physics.
And, of course, when in Mecha-Michael mode the damage
is greater. Hold down the button for extra fun!
 Dance
Magic: This is your
weapon of mass destruction. It has the ability to
clear off the entire screen of enemies, but not before
they dance. Michael starts dancing, all the enemies
start dancing and then they presumably self-destruct
from the realization that they are infact dancing
to and with Michael Jackson. I know I would. It's
a very effective weapon, but you only get one at the
beginning of each level. Sometimes you can shakedown
the children for extra Dance Magics.
 Health:
Not actually a move, but vital to successful gameplay.
I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't want to
run out of this, but being the bastard I am, I sure
don't try very hard not to. Sometimes children give
you health, I don't know why.
There
are five levels in the game, each getting progressively
harder as you go along. New enimies show up, from
the very phalic green thrusting machine to the zombies
in the graveyard. I learned pretty quickly that zombies
can't dance, but you can't blame them. They're called
the walking undead for a reason, not the
dancing undead. To further aid in your annoyment,
at the end of each level you must defeat a boss. Boss
intelligence may vary, see store for details.
The
very end of the game is the best. After you defeat
Mr. BIG, putting a silence to his various terrible
one liners and bad voice acting, Mecha-Michael turns
into a rocket ship destined for the moon,
presumably. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff
up even if I tried. Credits roll and you realize that
you just wasted $10 dollars in quarters on a Michael
Jackson arcade game. Man you must suck, ten bucks?
Why would you spend your money when you can download
the rom*, or better yet, watch the movie.
DOWNLOAD
THE ROM!!
*Download
only if you have the actual game, or something
Thrust!
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