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Well,
this is it. I'm finally going to make the millions of dollars I so crave.
The method is simple - I will file a lawsuit against Spelling/Goldberg
Productions for false advertising. The falsifier? None other than the
movie I just watched: Satan's School for Girls. I'm willing
to bet that when you saw the title, you came to the same conclusions that
I did, before I started:
(Horror
Movie) + ("Satan" in title) + ("Girls" in title) =
Lots of pointless nudity and people dying gory deaths!
Sadly,
as I would discover during the approximately seventy-five minutes of unadulterated
bad that I observed, not only did everyone remain clothed, I
didn't get to see any faces get torn off or anything. Rarr! (that's
the angry noise I make when I'm writing)
The plot
can be summed up in exactly the amount of words I'm about to use to sum
it up. Some girl's sister dies of suicide, so the Girl enrolls at the
school that her sister was attending in order to sneak around and get
some answers as to why she might have killed herself. While there, more
people kill themselves, and some people aren't what they seem. Then it
turns out that the deaths aren't suicide. Then the Devil shows up, and
just when you think an orgy is going to break out, the school burns down,
but does that bother Satan? Nope! He gets away, that sneaky guy. The end.
Having
firmly established the plot of the movie, let's take a look at some of
the individual elements that may have contributed to the fact that I didn't
like it.
This guy wasn't in the rest of it.
Right
in the beginning, when the Sister is running away before she dies, she
stops at a gas station and then runs off when this dude approaches her.
I sort of thought he would be some sort of hench-guy to whatever sinister
forces are at work, and though I suppose there's nothing in the movie
that really rules that out, there isn't anything that confirms it either
- because we never see him again. Ever. The last thing you see him do
is pick a cigarette up from the ground.
Why
was he in this movie? Was there perhaps a lengthy section of the movie
devoted to his story, which was probably far better than the rest, and
involved cyborgs, and the true meaning of friendship, and a killer squid
on a collision course with earth? Probably, though I'm sure it was cut
for time, and lost forever. You would think, since I watched this on a
DVD, that it would be in some sort of 'deleted scenes' section of the
disc. But when a DVD case advertises "Feature Programs" as a
special feature, you probably don't have a lot else to look forward to.
For that matter, this guy didn't figure in anywhere either.
Have
you ever seen that episode of South Park where they go to Aspen, and later
in the episode there's that creepy old man that tells them all about fantastically
clichéd history of the area? This guy was probably meant to serve
the same purpose. I mean! Look at him! He's got "eerie exposition"
written all over him, and yet his only parts in the movie are to a.)give
a key to the Sister and b.)hang out with the cops after she dies. I can
easily see that his underused talent is just another stake in the heart
of this film.
"No, Lieutenant - your men are already dead."
This
actually has nothing to do with why this movie sucks. It just made me
think of The Matrix.
Even
though there are hot girls everywhere, there's two future members
of Charlies' Angels, and mass amounts of alcohol are imbibed,
this
scene is seriously the sexiest it ever gets.
And
this is right at the end of the friggin' movie. Try to understand
how much that adds to the suck-factor. Most movies can just disguise the
fact that they are awful by showing either carnage or skin, and this one
had neither.
I
actually managed to keep my hopes up for about three-quarters of the movie
until Matt came upstairs and dashed them all by revealing the killer truth:
"This is a made-for-TV movie, you know." That explained so much,
especially the odd fade-to-black bits at key points in the film, which
felt suspiciously like they were designed for commercial breaks.
The final nail in the coffin.
Just
what the crap is that girl in white supposed to be wearing?
Is that some kind of weird dress, or a tablecloth? And why is she not
looking thoughtful like the rest of her classmates, and smiling at the
professor's package instead? More than likely another exciting/erotic
subplot that was excised for time and content.
In
conclusion, I suppose that there is a lesson to be learned from this.
Is it "Don't judge a horror movie by its title?" Hardly. It's
more along the lines of "Dammit, that old man and that bum should
have had their own spinoff series. Where one of them is a hard-boiled
retired detective, and the other is a bum, and they solve mysteries and
every episode get one step closer to reuniting the detective with his
estranged daughter. And also the bum is a little crazy, but he has these
'visions' that help them solve the mysteries. Also he knows kung-fu."
!ERUTLUCAJNIN
OT KCAB
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