was enjoying a rockin' Tuesday afternoon when suddenly the
urge struck me. No, it wasn't the urge to herbal. I just needed
a Revel. So as I scrounged through the freezer looking for
that oh so smooth a creamy revel I obviously had to pass by
some other foodstuffs that just happened to be in there. Frozen
Pees and Pizza Pops blocked me at every turn in my mini-quest
to find a revel. Finally, I found one, and everything was
right. Or was it?
I sat down on the couch, eating the revel and watching some
TV, my mind wandered onto other food products that come on
sticks such as corn dogs, candy apples, popsicles, and even
sometimes cotton candy. Then it hit me... popsicles... Popsicle
Pete! Where the hell did he go? So since I obviously
have an internet connection I tried to find out what happened
to our beloved frozen treat flinging superhero.
don't know what happened. Maybe the internet is broken today
but it seems that the entire world has forgotten about Popsicle
Pete and his lousy merchandise you could get by sending in
a bajillion Popsicle Pete Points that isn't worth nearly the
amount of money you spent on popsicles. At any rate, since
I couldn't find any information on the subject I'll just make
it up. The last time I remember seeing him was in the early
to mid 90s so we'll start around.. oh say.. 1994. So here's
my take on what happened to Popsicle Pete.
day Popsicle Pete was walking down the street, frightening
small children with his usual brand of popsicle marketing.
He was having a grand old time because informing the world
about popsicles is what he was born to do.
car pulled up beside Popsicle Pete. A window opened and a
hand waved him in. Being a popsicle and not knowing the rule
about not getting into strange cars, Pete hopped in.
interior of the car was black and the windows were so
tinted that absolutely no light would be able to seep in.
Popsicle Pete couldn't see anything.
Congratulations, I'm sending you on a journey of epic proportions.
If you succeed you will be rewarded more riches and popsicle
women than you've ever dreamed of.
Popsicle Pete: I'll do it if I don't have to go to
any African countries. I'll melt you see.
Voice: Well shit. There goes our plan to overthrow
the king of Africa.
Second Voice: Well, what about the other quest?
Voice: Oh yes, the other quest. We have run
out of chocolate chips. We need you to go out to the farthest,
coldest known galaxy, Chocolatechipia, to recover the chocolate
chips we need.
Popsicle Pete: Cold? I can do that! Because as Kahn
always said with a dramatic flare only he can provied, "It's
very cold... in spaaaace!". But aren't there Klingons
and Imperialists and Bears in space? I might die, or worse
yet, get eaten!
Voice: Don't worry about that, you'll be fine. Now
go, and don't come back without the chocolate chips!
with that, Popsicle Pete was ejected out of the car and into
outer space! But who where those mysterious voices
in the car? And why did they need chocolate chips so badly?
And why would they depend on a frozen eat snack in their hour
of chocolate chip need? These questions were all but answered
as Popsicle Pete tumbled towards Chocolatechipia.
say that it was a short journey to Chocolatechipia would be
a blatent lie. It took Popsicle Pete around a millions years
to reach Chocolatechipia. That in itself would explain why
he went missing but it didn't quite happen like that. Through
some crazy temporal physics and time travel, Popsicle Pete
actually arrived at Chocolatechipia a few minutes before
he was ejected from the car. I don't have enought time here
to explain everything, you're just gonna have to accept it.
he arrived on Chocolatechipia 1, Pete looked around and found
that the entire planet was a chocolate chip. All he had to
do now was start digging. He really wished that the mysterious
voices had told him how much chocolate he should bring back.
of nowhere, Optimus Primal came over and started yelling at
What in the hell are you doing?
Popsicle Pete: I'm on a quest to gather chocolate chips.
Optimus Primal: Not on my planet you're not!
Popsicle Pete: You're planet? Aren't you supposed to
be back on Cybertron?
Optimus Primal: Cybertron was great until a certain
writer *cough*Skir*cough* decided that it would be a good idea to fuck it up. So I left.
I mean, did you hear the crap that guy had me saying during
Beast Machines' run? Organic this, organic that. It was all
pretty gay. We're machines for crying out loud! And
just look at me! Everyone I talked to says that I looked
way cooler at the end of Beast Wars. I don't even know who
I am anymore!
Popsicle Pete: Whoa, okay, I think somebody
needs a little nap.
Optimus Primal: Sorry about that. Anyways, you seem
alright. I'll let you dig for your chocolate chips. What the
heck.. I'll even give you a hand!
so Optimus Primal and Popsicle Pete dug for Chocolate Chips.
When the had what they thought was enough, the duo took off
in Optimus' Fabulous Space Travelling Contraption and headed
back towards earth. It's was a long trip.
Soooo... did you catch the game last night?
Popsicle Pete: No, I've been stuck in a space ship
with you for that last five years. You don't even know
if there was a game last night!
Optimus Primal: Right, right.
Optimus Primal: Soooo... did you catch the...
Popsicle Pete: Oh my god! For the last time, NO! Why
wont you shut up!? How much longer do I have to put up with
Optimus Primal: Three wonderful years!
Popsicle Pete: Nooooooooo!
Pete and Primal landed on earth and unpacked their precious
chocolatey cargo. The mysterious car was there to greet them.
The hand waved them in.
Good work. Now we have enough chocolate chips to make lots
Optimus Primal: Who, if I may ask, are you guys?
Voice: I guess it can't hurt to let them know.
Second Voice: It'll probably come back to haunt us
in the end, but since we're gonna kill them anyways, I suppose
it wouldn't hurt. We are none other than the Keebler Elves!
Okay, kill them.
the elves drew their Desert Eagles and started firing. Popsicle
Pete was assasinated but Primal took cover and escaped back
to Chocolatechipia 1. And so in conclusion:
KEEBLER ELVES ASSASINATED POPSICLE PETE FOR KNOWING TOO MUCH.
THE ONLY QUESTION THAT REMAINS IS: WHY WOULD THE KEEBLER ELVES
WANT TO TAKE OVER AFRICA? IT IS ANOTHER MYSTERY!
there is anyone still reading after all that nonsense, I congratulate
you. Well done soldier! You've just read through the most
retarded story ever.