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THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM
A closer look at this crumbling monarchy

by Andrew - July 2, 2002
What comes to mind when you think of the Mushroom Kingdom? Trees, rocks and shotty construction. If you really look at the Mushroom Kingdom, it's full of holes and deadly plants. I know if my nieghborhood was filled with plants that would eat me, I'd be sitting down and writing a serious letter to my Mushroom King.

Today we'll be taking a look at the Mushroom Kingdom and the many faults that surround it without talking about drugs! Can it be done? Continue reading to find out!

Exhibit A: Deadly to the EXTREME Holes
Our journey starts right in the beginning. Have you ever been walking along, minding your own business, and then suddenly fall in a huge fricken hole and die? No? Me niether. But Mario and, to a lesser extent, Luigi have, countless times. For a kingdom as rich and powerful as the Mushroom Kingdom thier Deptartment of Transportation leaves something to be desired.

Exhibit B: Really Bad Plumbing
Continuing on into the seedy underbelly of the Mushroom Kingdom we notice the dark, damp sewers. But more readily we notice the horrid plumbing. Aren't those pipes supposed to be connected to something and not have deadly plants growing out of them? I know if I lived in the mushroom kingdom I'd make a 12-point inspection of my toilet before going to the washroom. I don't need a pirhana plant biting me in the ass.

Okay, okay. Now we all know that the Brothers Mario are infact pumbers, and I guess it's safe to say that they're at least decent plumbers considering they're all up and up with the royal mushroom family. You'd think they'd carry a bottle of round-up with them or at least a wrench to connect these pipes to their respective facilities.

Exhibit C: Constant Air Attacks
To live in the Mushroom Kingdom would be like living in France during World War II. It's constantly under attack from both sides and it's full of dirty frenchmen. That being said, if you haven't tried it, try looking up and down at the same time. Any person with a degree in TV/VCR repair could tell you that looking up and down at the same time is impossible but this is what you have to do to survive everyday life in the Mushroom Kingdom. The holes were bad enough, and then they had to throw in constant bombings.

Exhibit D: Overrun by Devil Worshipping Monsters
Sure the Mushroom Kingdom has it's share of bad guys and nogoodniks like every kingdom. But the Mushroom Kingdom is the only kingdom I know of overrun by turtles famous for thier black magic. I'm not kidding. If you've ever read the manual for los hermanos Mario (spanish trasnlation) you'll find that the Koopas do infact practice black magic. I love the crazy shit they throw into video games.

Exhibit E: What kind of excuse for a castle is that?
Sure it's supposed to be a small castle but I've seen huts bigger than that. I pointed this out to Nathan and he suggested that maybe they're really long. Okay, I'll give them that much, but where are the cannons and catapults and Death Star like laser beams? And it sure doesn't impress enimies enough to make them cower and run away. That's probably the reason why the Mushroom Kingdom is overrun with little devil turtles in the first place.

And finally, why is the Mushroom Kingdom is such a state of peril? Well, obviously it's because they're on drugs! ... DAMN! Apparently you can't write an article about Super Mario Brother without mentioning drugs. Ah well.

Andrew
AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: [email protected]

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