| Heyy,
people! Let's go on a journey with me as your guide! This
time, we're gonna learn about my favorite ten ninjas, and
why I like them so much. What's the occasion? None! Sometimes
I just wanna talk about Ninjas I like, allright? Allright?!
Fine. Good.
These
are in no particular order, and there's actually only five.
Take that, establishment.
-=Number
1=-
FRANK JAEGER
appears in - Metal Gear Solid (PSX/PC)
Now
this was one bad-ass ninja. Sure, he wasn't clad in the normal
dark ninja-wear, but I bet any other ninja would trade their
suits for his armored exoskeleton, complete with thermoptic
camoflage. Oh yeah.
Jaeger's
story isn't very happy. After Solid Snake (the hero) curbstomps
him in one of Snake's earlier adventures, Jaeger is taken
by some lab guys, resuscitated, and slapped into the wicked-cool
exosuit that he sports now. All the drugs and tests (not to
mention the fact that he was basically dead) take their toll
on the poor guy's mind, however, and he returns in Metal Gear
Solid simply as the Ninja, an indescriminate killer and part-time
raving lunatic who enjoys smashing his head on the ground.
Poor kid.
This
also has a great bearing on the story of MGS. If you've played
the game, and you're like me, I know you didn't like the prospect
of eventually having to fight a psychotic sword-wielding invisible
bionic ninja from beyond the grave. Especially not one named
Frank. But it sure was damn fun playing as him in the MGS
VR Missions, even if it was only for three measly levels.
-=Number
2=-
THE NINJABURGER NINJAS
appears in - Ninja Burger (which is over
here)
Really,
how can you not love a ninja clan dedicated to stealthily
delivering fresh, high-quality food? I mean, when the very
slogan promises you "Guaranteed Delivery in 30 Minutes,
Or We Commit Seppuku!" you know you're gonna get a quality
burger, very quickly and above all, silently. Now if only
they would deliver to my area...
-=Number
3=-
THE GREAT SASUKE
appears in - WCW vs. NWO World Tour (Nintendo
64)
I
have to point out a few things on this one. First, that picture
is obviously not from the aforementioned N64 game. It is in
fact drawn by my young neighbour/artist extraordinaire Todd
(age 9). Whenever I need as precise a rendition of something
as possible, I get Todd on the job. Sadly, Todd's original
didn't turn out very well, as you can see, so I made a few
modifications and got something much better.
Thanks
again, Todd, but clearly your ninja is not nearly fearsome
enough. Plus, he has a sword! Who ever gets to use a sword
in a wrestling game? Geez. 9 years old, and so much more to
learn...anyway, the second thing I was going to point out
is that Ninjas don't often say "Yarr!" as my illustration
shows. The "Yarr"ing task is more often delegated
to pirates and fat people, but I thought it might up his fearsomeness
rating a bit if I made him say it too.
Now,
I'm not a wrestling fan, but this game was pretty freakin'
fun, especially with four people. While everyone else was
trying to take 'good' characters, I spotted the Ninja immediately
and he quickly became my favorite, as well as a harbringer
of certain pain for everyone else. He does all the standard
Ninja things like kicks and punches, but one move in particular
fascinated me; you can tackle an opponent, and when they're
on the mat, you can leap onto their stomachs and begin to
mercilessly pummel them about the head and neck! How amazing
is that!
Of
course, the other players quickly became tired of my incessant
giggling and my wrestler's constant bitchslapping, but since
nobody else tried Sasuke, they were obviously just jealous
that I had the sweetest attack in the game.
-=Number
4=-
JUBEI
appears in - Ninja Scroll (IMDB page here)
So
there I was, around Christmas. I had gotten home real late
after my cousin's wedding, and a few hours earlier my VCR
had recorded this movie. I was in the midst of a weeklong
Teletoon anime marathon, and, having already seen some definite
classics every evening for the last few days (Macross Plus,
Patlabor 1 and 2, and The Wings of Honneamise) I was all ready
to enjoy another fine piece of art.
Within
the first half-hour, an entire village is poisoned and killed,
and a team of ninjas sent to investigate is quite literally
cut to pieces, with MUCH blood ensuing. It is now my professional
opinion that people living in feudal Japan had an insanely
high blood pressure. At any rate, this is quite far from the
intelligent, artsy films they've been showing during the week
(some parts of Macross Plus notwithstanding) and my reaction
is "somebody made an animated movie with this much sex
and violence?" after which my reaction is "...and
Teletoon played it? On TV?"
The
protagonist is Jubei, a wandering ninja-for-hire who stumbles
into a giant conspiracy with lots of mayhem, demonic adversaries,
a seemingly invincible bossman, and so forth. Throughout the
movie he gets poisoned and beaten quite often, and yet he
continually maintains an air of calm and "I-know-exactly-what-I'm-doing"ness
that so many heroes lack, or at least suck at exuding. Also,
he's really, really good at what he does, which is killling.
A classic ninja hero if I ever saw one.
-=5=-
SHIRANUI
Appears in - Mirai Ninja (IMDB page here)
The
true star of Mirai Ninja (or Warlord as it's known here in
Canada) is that robo-ninja guy on the cover. The movie is
already pretty bizarre, what with weird Kabuki supervillains,
giant walking outhouses with laser cannons, and Super-Energy-Missiles
or whatever they call 'em.
On
top of that, nobody can seem to figure out this guy's secret
identity, which is not only painfully obvious but it's also...er...painfully
obvious, I guess. At any rate, if you happen to be able to
see this sitting at your local rental store, rent it.
I really don't think I can stress that enough. It will easily
be the single best overdubbed robot-ninja film you will ever
see.
Well,
that about wraps this whole thing up. Confused? Annoyed? In
complete agreement with everything I've said so far? Let me
know!
Amazing
Bonus! Ninja Links Are Win By You! SUPER!!
-E.S.H.N.E.N.
-Real
Ultimate Power
-Ninjatune
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