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by Andrew - May 7, 2002

It seems these days that the world is full of stupid people, especially on the Internet. It's a wonder of modern science how these people can operate a computer let alone function in normal society. But leave it to these freaks to fuck up a perfectly good title for a perfectly good book. I'm talking of course of the ridiculously insane "The Two Towers" controversy.

The people behind the controversy have taken it upon themselves to start an online petition to get the movie based on the book renamed to something less offensive. In my view, the only thing less offensive than "The Two Towers" is "Mr. Witherbee's Fabulous Time Travelling Contraption of Happiness and Rainbows". Although that's pretty gay. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that "The Two Towers" isn't offensive at all. These retards are letting themselves get offended by a similarity between the World Trade Center and a book written nearly fifty years ago, so maybe they'll let me kick them in the face if I convince them that I'll go get them my imaginary stash of the best lollipops ever.

And it's just because they let themselves get offended. If everybody got offended equally and without bias on the same level as these petition people are working at, we might just have to tear down every other goddamn building in the goddamn world just so that we wont be offending Mr. Terry Davidson's Christmas Tree.

Tolkien makes another wacky prediction!
That's not tobacco in his pipe!

Now these people have started freaking out of the third book in the trilogy, "The Return of the King". You know, a lot of people have predicted the end of the world and if you haven't guessed already, they were all wrong. The last time I checked I'm still here, my couch is still here and so is my entire block. Now I don't know beyond that since I haven't left my yard in over three years on account of playing Tetris. But if my guess is correct, you're still alive and the world hasn't ended.

Let's say for a moment that these people are right and the Two Towers was an accurate prediction. Who's to say that with "The Return of the King" Tolkien didn't mean Elvis instead of Christ? Then that would mean Elvis isn't really dead but rather just hiding out in an old folks home with JFK fighting an evil Egyptian entity whose main purpose is to kill old people. Personally, in the unlikely event that Tolkien is a prophet, I think Elvis is who he meant.

People need to lighten up a little about the World Trade Center attacks. Airbrushing the 'two towers' out of every damn picture isn't going to bring any loved ones back and it's not going to trick any terrorists into thinking that the towers never existed. You're not fooling anyone, not even Mr. Davidson. Sure the destruction of the towers was terrible and I'm not trying to belittle it in any way, but I don't think that there's a need to start changing every little thing that may sound, act, or remind us of 9/11. This campaign to change every damn thing isn't going to solve anything. But try telling that to the retards.


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