| 
It's
4pm, any weekday, 1988. Do you know where your kids are? Well,
you should. They're in front of the TV watching America's
newest animated sensation, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Just as the original Transformers series was losing steam
(way to go Optimus, you just had to die didn't you?)
the Turtles stepped up to the plate to hit a 10 season grandslam.
I'll
admit it, I was a little too young to really enjoy the Transformers
in the eighties. But when the Turtles hit the screen I was
in their prime marketing demographic. I was glued to the TV
every weekday and made special note to get up early on the
weekends to catch every single Turtles episode I could. So
today I'd like to take you on a trip down memory lane with
"The Incredible Shrinking Turtles".
 
The
episode starts off with the turtles working on their jungle
fighting technique in the park. It's a nice day and all but
I have to wonder why they even need jungle fighting
techniques, what with them being in New York. That's the other
thing, if I were practicing my jungle fighting techniques
the one place I wouldn't do it is New York. Isn't New
York the place people from the jungle go to get away from
the jungle? I'm not sure but I think it is.
 
Getting
back on track and trying to use less italics,
the Turltes witness an alien ship plummet to the earth and
without hesitation they rescue the little purple alien within.
They should be so lucky. I know that everytime I go
and investigate and alien ship I end up with an alien strapped
to my face, laying eggs in my stomach. My point is that the
turtles didn't know what they were going to find yet they
heroically charged in, saving a little purple alien from certain
death in the process.
In
the next scene the alien dies. Oh well, nice try Turtles.
He dies but not before sending the turtles on a quest to find
three parts of his ship scattered across the city. Brought
together the pieces form the Eye of Sarnoth! What?
Soran? No! SARNOTH! An eye so powerful the possesor
will have power undreamed of in our world. The trick is finding
the three pieces. Luckily the alien gives the turtles a handy
dandy Eye of Sarnoth Tracking Device(tm).
All the turtles have to do is follow where it points and they're
set. Of course, The Shredder is hiding behind a bush and really,
really wants that wacky eye too.
 
And
so the race is on. Well, it isn't so much a race as Shredder
following the Turtles because the alien wasn't nice enough
to give him his own Eye of Sarnoth Tracking Device(tm).
You see, Shredder caused a big mess a couple of episodes back,
sending Krang and the entire Technodrome back into Dimension
X. Shredder then pleaded with Krang to send him back to earth
to prove himself. So Krang did. What Shredder failed to realize
is that Krang is a mean bastard and shouldn't be trusted.
Shredder was sent back to Earth alright, but without Bebop
and Rocksteady, footsoldiers or any means of transportaion.
So he's basically been hitchin' his way around.
Shredder:
*holds sign at the side of the road: Pick me up or DIE!*
Nice Old Lady: I better give this nice young fella
a lift
Shredder: Thanks for the ride lady. Now, step on it!
... Go!
Nice Old Lady: *rummaging through her purse* Now, where
did I put my pills? Oh, here's some candy. Would you like
some candy young man?
Shredder: No! Just follow that yellow and green
van!
Nice Old Lady: I think I have some candy in here somewhere.
Isn't it a little early and aren't you a little old to be
trick or treating? I mean it's only July 15th and look to
be about 30.
Shredder: *kills nice old lady*. I'll just drive myself!
 
The
turtles find the first piece of the eye on a garbage barge.
It seems as though someone had already found it, and then
threw it away because it just made things small. That's not
American. In America you don't make things small, you make
things huge just because you can. What there needs to be is
a hugificationalizer, not a small, jibba jabberin' smallifier.
That ain't right!
 
At
any rate, Shredder swipes the first piece of the eye from
the Turtles and uses it on them. The next five to seven minutes
of the episode is just filler and some of the wacky things
the Turtles do when they're small. The writers must have known
that every kid would want to know what the hell a Ninja
Turtle would do if he was small. And what did the turtles
do?
- Eat
pizza
- Live
in sewer
- Eat
pizza
As
you can see, it wasn't much different from what they usually
do. Which isn't all that exciting, but at 1988 wages, I don't
think I'd be able to write anything substantial either. Believe
me, I was really disappionted when Donatello didn't
start fixing small novelty watches.
 
After
being washed away in some sewer trickle (does that sound absolutely
disgusting to anyone else?) the turtles are captured by Baxter
(pre-fly form) using his Heat Seeking Turtle Scope(tm).
The Turtles were then brought back to Shredder's
makeshift hide-out. Shredder then proceeds to get a crowbar
and attempt to smash the jar in which the Turtles are in.
Of course Splinter and April come in to save the day. Apparently
Splinter has his own Heat Seeking Turtle Scope(tm)
but for some reason he calls it his "bond between sensai
and student". Whatever he wants to call it, Splinter
distracts Shredder while April rebiggifies the Turtles, ever
proving her worth-less-fulness.
 
Splinter
and Shredder end up in a big brew-ha-ha which nearly gets
them both killed. Here's the situation: Shredder has Splinter
pinned down on a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt feeds cheese
into a big cheese wrapping machine for whatever reason. Shredder's
plan is to crush Splinter in the machine but to keep Splinter
on the conveyor belt he must physically hold him there until
the job's done. Anyone see the problem with this? Splinter
wouldn't be the only one to be crushed. Although The Shredder
isn't known for his brilliant plans.
WHAT
THE CRAP? I HAVE THE MOST BRILLIANT PLANS EVAR~~!!1
The
machine is succesfully stopped by Donatello's staff that somehow
managed to fly through the air. Shredder takes off and the
Turtles go home. That's when the EPISODE IS OVER! |
