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It's an insane grabbag of rediculous sci-fi action!

by Andrew - June 13, 2002

Hello and welcome to another NinjaCulture article. An article that will surely send thousands and thousands of flaming fanboys to my inbox. But I have a reason and explanation as to why I decided to combine the two seperate articles, "My favorite things from Star Wars" and "My favorite things from Star Trek" into one. That reason is that I'm lazy and I didn't feel like thinking about how Data got so much action in bed. That's second only to how much action Luke got from his sister. Granted it wasn't much, but what if Yoda hadn't set the pieces of the puzzle infront of him? Now you begin to see what happens when I set my brain on one topic too long. Bad happens. Also I didn't bother proofreading or spellchecking this just for kicks.

So let's get started shall we?


Q is one badass motherfucker. Well, maybe he isn't but he does like torturing the crew of the Enterprise quite alot, which I'm always for. He first appeared on the very first episode of Star Trek: The Next Genereation and made stops in along their 7 season run. Part of the Q continuum, Q can do anything he wants and go awnywhere he wants with a snap of his fingers. That's class. Imagine him at a party. With a snap of his fingers he'd have all the ladies and be the life of everyones night! Even Seanbaby can't do that, not quite.


He's small. He's green. But he proved himself in Attack of the Clones. Throughout the original trilogy he was hailed as a Jedi Master but you never saw him do anything but piss Luke off, make some crappy food, and die after 900 years. If that's what a Jedi Master does then sign me up baby! I would love to sit on my ass, annoy people and get payed for it. Right now we're making approximately Jack shit off of this site. You can help us by buying us nice things. Just look under the autions section for details.</self promotion>

Anyways, even though I had heard that Yoda busted out in Episode II before I had seen it happen (thanks alot Matt), I still needed a fresh pair of pants afterwards. And we were about an hour and a half away from home! Ha ha! Sucks to be the other people in the car!

The Jedi Boomstick

When you get right down to it, a Jedi is just a guy with a stick made out of light that can cut through flesh quite good. It's a sword, it's a shield, the Lightsaber is the ultimate fighting tool. Infact without the Lightsaber, all the Jedi would be running into battle with nothing but their robes. And then they'd die. The force doesn't protect against stupidity. Even it believes in natural selection.

Almost as rediculous as the lamp icon.


I have mixed feelings about the replicator. Why did I include here then? Well, on the one hand, I think having whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (of course then my whole life would be pretty much like Wierd Science), but on the other hand, it abolishes all money. Why is that such a bad thing? One simple reason. eBay would cease to exist and my life long career plan as a professional eBay power seller would vanish along with it. But back on the plus side, I could have a replicator installed in my buttocs and literally pull things out of my ass.

Last Minute Escapes

One plot device that has been used over and over again in Star Trek is the "transportation beyond the last second" plot device. What the hell am I talking about? Let's say you have an away team over on another ship. The other ship is about explode and the transporter chief is having problems bringing the away team back. The other ship does explode but somehow, through wacky pattern buffers and magic, the away team comes back in one piece. That is the "transportation beyond the last second" plot device. I'm not sure how many times they did this on TNG but my current count is 1752, which is approximately 10 times per episode.

First Contact Chocolate Bars

Back in 1996 Paramount Pictures released an even numbered Trek movie, so it didn't suck. They used chocolate bars as a promotional tool. The bars came in 6 limited edition collectable wrappers. I'm pretty sure paramount uses the word "collectable" and "limited edition" in the loosest sense possible. Sure you could collect the wrappers, but end the end you just have six old chocolate bar wrappers from 1996. And they were about as "Limited Edition" as the Ford LTD.

Here is an actual transcript of what happened when I found out about these Trek chocolate bars:

Nathan: Hey, they have First Contact chocolate bars.
Andrew: I must have them.
Nathan: You do know that they're just a promotional tool that will make you want to go see the movie. They probably laced the chocolate with some sort of drug... like crack.
Andrew: That's a bonus!
I must have them.

So I ended up getting all six wrappers and as you can see, I still have them. But I didn't go see the movie in the theaters! Ha ha! Suckaz!

This is the end of another article filled with it's own set of plot holes and errors. I know I talked alot more about Trek than Wars and I'll make it up to you in the future, I swear. That's more Trek than I'm willing to put on any site.

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

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