| If
there's only one thing that will cheer everyone up, it's a
good ninja movie. If there's one thing that will cheer everyone
up by having sex with thier funny bone, it's a bad ninja movie.
Ninja
in Action
falls into the second category. Nathan and I had watched this
movie once before. The tape itself seems to hold magical properties
in that when my VCR breaks, all I need to do is stick in Ninja
in Action and the problem is solved! It's probably the
best five dollars Nathan has ever spent.
The
movie itself is horrid. The quality of the dubbing is about
on par as an early Godzilla flick with unsyncronized dialogue
coming out of its ass. The movie is about a Ninja that may
or may not be in Action. It's hard to tell when you're slipping
in and out of consciousness from lack of excitement. Nathan
suggested that the name of the movie might not be Ninja
in Action but rather the less productive title, Ninja
Inaction.
The
plot goes something like this; A guy is riding in his car
with a lot of precious jewels in a briefcase through the deadly
streets of Hong Kong when all of a sudden NINJA ATTACK!
Which makes perfect sense since the movie was filmed in 1987
and my mom back in the 80s always told me never to talk to
strangers, because they were deadly Ninjas! Of course,
that just made me want to talk to them more.
The
Ninjas take the jewels back to the thier secret ninja lair
but not before cutting off the guy's arm. If this movie has
taught me anything about life, love and the female anatomy,
it's that if you're transporting any sort of precious cargo,
never, never! handcuff it to any part
of your body, it's liable to get cut off. Ouch!
All
this exciting action takes place within the first five minutes
of the tape, two of which are the original theatrical preview.
Well paint me up and call me Sally, this might as well have
been a fricken DVD with all the extras included! But really,
the movie was such crap that it was shown in only one theater
as cited at the end of the trailer by, "Coming to this
theater!".
The
two main heroes (I'm using that term in the loosest sense
of the word) are Rex and Tina. Hey, what's this? It looks
like I found thier AIM profiles! Let's have a looksee...
 |
~-Tina-~
Age: 20-SOMETHING
^_^
Sex: LOTS! :D :D :D :D :D
Location: I'M IN HONG KONG KICKING ASS WITH MY HOT
BOYFRIEND REX BUT I USUALLY HANG AROUND THE US LOL!!1
Occupation: PROFESSIONAL ASS KICKER DON'T MESS
WITH ME
Interests: I LIKE BOYZ SEX AND WASHING MY BOOBIES
WHILE HAVENING SEX WITH BOYZ :D |
Tina
is the daughter of the man killed in the beginning of the
film and has travelled to Hong Kong to exact revenge and get
laid, not necessarily in that order. Ah yes, if I only had
a nickel for each time I've said, "Goin' to Hong Kong
to get laid and exact revenge. If not back, avenge death."
I'd have at least fifty cents, possibly more.
 |
Rex666
Age:
shutup
Sex: don't you talk to me
Location: shutup
Occupation: kicking your ass
Interests: i am very interested in kicking your
ass :p |
Rex
is Tina's boyfriend that wears far too many speedos during
the course of the film. Sure, it's only the one, but wouldn't
you say that's too many? It's much easier to kick a man in
the balls when he's wearing a speedo. Just think about that
for a while, Rex.
As
you can see, Tina and Rex are smart ones. They even managed
to camoflauge themselves wearing all pure white against a
tree colored background. I don't know how they managed to
pull that off. I've been trying for years to make the color
white be camoflauged in a forest in summer.
Now,
as mentioned earlier, Tina likes washing her boobies. There's
about a five minute scene of her just washing her tits. That's
all well and good except for two things: 1. One of the cameramans
dreads is in the shot the majority of the time and 2. I'm
sure she tried really hard and all but she's not actually
that big. Plus, as soon as she's done Rex comes along and
starts man-handling her with his "god only knows where
they've been" hands. I mean, for goodness sakes, she
just finished washing them!
The
rest of the movie is forgettable except for one character
that, for some reason or another, appears in the film WITH
A HUGE FRIGGEN AFRO! Now, I always get a kick out of afros
but this guy needs a TV show or something just about him.
I don't even think he has more than one line in the movie.
All
in all the movie was a blast to watch and has been a cult
favorite here at CMF ever since Nathan made that faithful
trip to Canadian Tire. It ranks right up there with Chopping
Mall and The Curse. And for a Ninja move that was shot in
Puerto Rico, it had a surprising number of Chinese folk in
it.
Good
stuff in the movie:
Hilariously stupid Ninjas, but they're Ninjas and by default
are cool. Great soundtrack (except the porn groove) CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD TO THE TRAILER MP3 (no video because
I'm lazy and the sound quality isn't much better on the tape
so I think you're just gonna have to deal with it)
Bad
stuff in the movie:
Worst porn groove ever!
The
bottom freakin' line:
Get it if you can find it.
 
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