| Over
the past month I was on vacation. Yes, indeed. I went all
the way upstairs. On what could only be described as
an ill advised trip on LSD, I packed up the computer and headed
to the mystical land known as the living room. Now that I'm
back I've only got one thing to say, upstairs sucks.
Now,
upon my return to the basement I noticed a poor little Tandy
1000 sitting there, wanting, begging me to use it.
So, I plugged in the massive 20 megabyte hard drive and was
ready for some old school hojo.
First
Game played: Castle Adventure
The
You of Clubs
Before
there was Zelda, and quite possibly before there was sliced
bread, there was Castle Adventure. A game whereby you,
the hapless, nameless you, are trapped in a semi-deserted
castle. It appears that all the kings horses and all the kings
men were eaten or killed or had other nasty things done to
them. All that remains is 13 pieces of treasure and 83 thrilling
room to explore. And by thrilling I mean not-so-thrilling.
It's
quite possible that the tale of how you became trapped in
that castle is so gruesome and disturbing, to hear it, you
head would explode so hard that your relatives would explode,
and then your friends would explode, and then people you just
met would explode! That's what I call real
ultimate power and that's the only answer I'll accept
for there being no backstory what-so-ever.
The
objective of the game is to get out. That's obvious. But what
not be so obvious is that along the way you'll have to battle
demons, ogres, avoid traps and just plain old not die, something
which I do quite frequently.
I
remember playing this game a lot, but never actually beating
it. I think I got bored, something I was prone to do, and
never actually took the time to finish it. I'm guessing that
somebody that knows what they're doing could finish the game
in around 10 minutes, but that's obviously not me.
And
bad english to boot!
Second
Game Played: Arcade Volleyball
Arcade
Volleyball was a game that would confuse and frighten small
children causing them to change their pants more often than
needed. I would know.
Hours
of fantastic fun for all!
The
game is loosely based on what us earth people call Volleyball.
First thing you'll notice is that your characters kinda look
like Volleyballs themselves. Then you'll take a closer look
and you'll notice that these h4rdc0r3 Volleyballers have no
fucking arms.
Arms?
No thank you.
Now,
I went to school and I'm still an idiot, but one thing I did
learn was that when playing Volleyball, you've gotta have
arms. The games gets by this by having you hit the ball with
your head. This, the essential act of hitting the damn
ball, is usually to your disadvantage as you can
fault at random.
The
third thing you'll notice about the characters is that they're
blue and pink, and have one leg. Earth people, that's people
from Earth, usually are fleshy pinkish to a darkish brownish
colored, have two legs, two arms and some even enjoy seafood.
I'll be damned if these, these freaks enjoy seafood.
Not
to mention the point of Volleyball is to 'volley' or 'set'
the ball as so that you're other teammates, teammates,
can spike it. I'm just gonna let you count exactly how many
teammates there are in this game and you can get
back to me.
SUPER
DOWNLOAD!
Castle Adventure
- 42k
Aracade Volleyball - 24k
These
games'll run far to fast on your home computer, download MoSlo
to slow it down!
What
mysteries does part two hold? Time, my friend, will tell. |
