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First up: Castle Adventure and Arcade Volleyball!

by Andrew - October 4, 2002

Over the past month I was on vacation. Yes, indeed. I went all the way upstairs. On what could only be described as an ill advised trip on LSD, I packed up the computer and headed to the mystical land known as the living room. Now that I'm back I've only got one thing to say, upstairs sucks.

Now, upon my return to the basement I noticed a poor little Tandy 1000 sitting there, wanting, begging me to use it. So, I plugged in the massive 20 megabyte hard drive and was ready for some old school hojo.

First Game played: Castle Adventure

The You of Clubs

Before there was Zelda, and quite possibly before there was sliced bread, there was Castle Adventure. A game whereby you, the hapless, nameless you, are trapped in a semi-deserted castle. It appears that all the kings horses and all the kings men were eaten or killed or had other nasty things done to them. All that remains is 13 pieces of treasure and 83 thrilling room to explore. And by thrilling I mean not-so-thrilling.

It's quite possible that the tale of how you became trapped in that castle is so gruesome and disturbing, to hear it, you head would explode so hard that your relatives would explode, and then your friends would explode, and then people you just met would explode! That's what I call real ultimate power and that's the only answer I'll accept for there being no backstory what-so-ever.

The objective of the game is to get out. That's obvious. But what not be so obvious is that along the way you'll have to battle demons, ogres, avoid traps and just plain old not die, something which I do quite frequently.

I remember playing this game a lot, but never actually beating it. I think I got bored, something I was prone to do, and never actually took the time to finish it. I'm guessing that somebody that knows what they're doing could finish the game in around 10 minutes, but that's obviously not me.

And bad english to boot!

Second Game Played: Arcade Volleyball

Arcade Volleyball was a game that would confuse and frighten small children causing them to change their pants more often than needed. I would know.

Hours of fantastic fun for all!

The game is loosely based on what us earth people call Volleyball. First thing you'll notice is that your characters kinda look like Volleyballs themselves. Then you'll take a closer look and you'll notice that these h4rdc0r3 Volleyballers have no fucking arms.

Arms? No thank you.

Now, I went to school and I'm still an idiot, but one thing I did learn was that when playing Volleyball, you've gotta have arms. The games gets by this by having you hit the ball with your head. This, the essential act of hitting the damn ball, is usually to your disadvantage as you can fault at random.

The third thing you'll notice about the characters is that they're blue and pink, and have one leg. Earth people, that's people from Earth, usually are fleshy pinkish to a darkish brownish colored, have two legs, two arms and some even enjoy seafood. I'll be damned if these, these freaks enjoy seafood.

Not to mention the point of Volleyball is to 'volley' or 'set' the ball as so that you're other teammates, teammates, can spike it. I'm just gonna let you count exactly how many teammates there are in this game and you can get back to me.

Castle Adventure - 42k
Aracade Volleyball - 24k

These games'll run far to fast on your home computer, download MoSlo to slow it down!

What mysteries does part two hold? Time, my friend, will tell.

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

Magic Story Time, Pop Rocks and Coke, firteen.com


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