Welcome
to NinjaCulture's 2003 Holiday festivities and
possibly the most anti-Semetic part of the site.
This is the big one, the marathon folks. And
while other
sites
are going a whole Earth month with their Advent
Calendars, we here at NinjaCulture have decided
to bring a cozy 12 days of Christmas cheer to
you and yours.
If
you've ever seen a movie with Christmas portrayed
as a high strung and cynical guy with a wacky
cousin from far off lands, you may not know
the true meaning of Christmas. Why? Because
you were watching Perfect Strangers which, for
the most part, has very little to do with Christmas,
and it's also not a movie. So I'm here to inform
you of what the true meaning of Christmas is.
As I understand it, from watching two decades
of television, Christmas is a horrible time
when companies from around the world grab and
tug at your pocket books through the miracle
of advertisement, with hilarious results*.
Oh yeah, there's this fat guy dressed in
red, but he looks kinda sketchy to me.
*may or may not yield hilarious
results. Available in the continental US only.
Screw you Hawaii and Alaska!
I
went digging through old tapes of Star Trek:
The Next Generation that I had recorded for
a friend that moved away to Kentucky and then
died. Okay, so maybe he didn't die. And he didn't
actually move away. And I didn't record the
episodes for him. And perhaps this 'friend'
never actually really existed. But in some way
that doesn't label me an Überdork, I have
about 40 four hour tapes worth of TNG. If you
do the math, that's about a million hours. I
also scoured the glorious Internet for old advertisements
of Christmas past to bring you this delicious
first morsel of the NinjaCulture Holiday Feast.
Atari
First up is a commercial from Atari
circa Christmas 1983.
This
commercial starts off with a family on Christmas
Eve being tucked away into bed. It's hard to
dicern what exactly is going on in that screen-shot
due to the kid's parents spoiling them with
millions of toys on their birthday two months
ago, presumably. But if you squint you can see
a mom and a dad that gave their kids the gift
that gets you stuck in a hole, forever.
I
don't know if you've played it, but E.T. for
the Atari was one of the worst video games ever.
In fact, it was so bad that Atari had to bury
five million E.T. cartridges in the
middle of the damn New Mexico Desert. This started
a long lasting trend of bad video games based
on movies.
The
kids are all tucked in bed and everyone is sleeping,
sugar plums may or may not be dancing in their
heads. Unconfirmed reports suggest that they
may. At any rate, an unwanted and unwelcome
visitor shows up at the house, dressed in red
and ready to kill. Well, he's probably not ready
to kill, I just thought it sounded cool. He's
kinda short to be Santa, and he's walking as
if a small rodent has bitten him in his most
secret of places. Could it be an elf? Maybe
Santa had a few too many shots of his special
"Santa-nog"* and couldn't make the
world circling journey this year. Okay, okay,
you got me. It's obviously E.T. and I've just
been wasting everyone's time.
*Santa-nog - 1 part rum,
no parts egg nog; stir
This
thought just came to me. Have you ever wondered
what E.T.'s name is? I mean it's not actually
Extraterrestrial or Entertainment Tonight.
That would be like calling one of us "human".
Wait, no it isn't. Good lord what is it
like?!
E.T.
goes to the Christmas tree to get his present
and it's a video game based on him!
Personally, I'd find that a bit disconcerting.
If I ever stumble upon a video game based on
me I'd wonder who was watching me my whole
life to create an accurate simulation of
all that encompasses me. Of course, if it was
me fighting the undead with a shotgun and a
chainsaw for a hand, then I'd be more inclined
to purchase said game. However, if the entirety
my game was to fall in a hole and not be able
to get out, I'd bury myself out in
New Mexico. E.T., though, is having a pleasant
time helping himself get back home.
The
kids that are supposed to resemble Elliot and
Gertie creep downstairs to find that a horrible
alien creature is playing their Atari
system. A bloodbath ensues.
This
commercial fills me with the warmth of family,
friends and beings from beyond the moon. Being
the evil overlord that I am, I hate these feelings
and want them to die. I don't care if they can
or not, just make it happen.
7-up
Next
up we have a generic Christmas commercial from
7-up. Remember 7-up? Of course you do. It's
not like it's been discontinued or anything.
You're probably drinking some right now, and
if not, you should be. Surprisingly 7-up didn't
pay a cent to write this paragraph. I feel kind
of ripped off actually.
Anyways,
before they were brainwashing website writers
they were using the age-old television commercial.
However I may have saved the best for first,
since this commercial has nothing of real substance
to it.
The
spot starts off with the Spots (oh
ho! ho!) jumping off a can of 7-up, as they
would circa 1988. Nathan would probably agree
with me on this that the 7-up Spots were one
of the very few food mascots that were really
any good. They even had a video game on the
Super Nintendo. You say so what? So did Chester
Cheetah of Cheetos fame, two actually! Yeah,
he did, but those weren't any good. Come to
think of it, neither was Cool Spot and now another
one of my brilliant points is moot. Good work.
The
great majority of the commercial is the Spots
traveling around town in a stolen fire truck.
Save for about two seconds at the end where
a kid gets said fire truck for Christmas, that's
the entire commercial. So you can see my predicament.
This
commercial doesn't make me thirsty for 7-up
and so it has failed. NEXT!
House
of Guitars
I'll
be surprised if you've seen this last commercial
and don't live in Rochester, New York. It's
one of those local commercials of lesser quality.
You know the ones with the non-stop flashing
text filmed with a handycam. This one, though,
had a higher budget than any previous homegrown
commercial I have ever seen. It's animated,
and keeping with Christmas tradition, it's animated
with clay. Claymation is as much of a staple
of Christmas as ham. While I can explain neither,
both explain why Santa is so lumpy.
The
commercial starts off with an anthropomorphic
Earth holding a "Merry Christmas"
sign. Yeah, that's when you know you're in for
the thirty second ride of your life.
Next
we've got an exterior shot of the House of Guitars.
It looks like the House of Guitars is an extremely
festive place at around Christmas time. Maybe
a bit too festive? I don't know where I'm going
with that. The whole commercial is narrated
by Simon of the Chipmunks.
There
is so much crap going on here I almost had a
seizure.
Inside,
however, is where the real insanity takes place.
We've got records running around under their
own power, elves hopping around on springs
and guys so excited about the low, low prices
that their eyes feel the need to jump from their
sockets in joy, Christmas joy.
In
the end Elvis shows up in Santa's sleigh to
deliver amplifiers and guitar picks to all the
children of the world.
I'm
not expecting you guys to understand this commercial
in any way. Hell, I don't even get it. But apparently
the people at the House of Guitars are batshit
insane, yet incredibly crafty with clay.
In summation, I didn't realize that old Christmas
commercials were so hard to come by. It's a
unrepresented genre online and something I hope
to rectify here on NinjaCulture in the future.
DOWNLOAD
THE E.T. COMMERCIAL
DOWNLOAD THE 7-UP
COMMERCIAL
DON'T DOWNLOAD THE HOUSE OF GUITARS
COMMERCIAL
BACK
TO NINJACULTURE! |
