| MEGA-HUGE
COLLABORATION! READ RAPH,
LEO,
AND DON
AT SOME OTHER SITES OF AWESOME STATURE.
note:
some of these sites may be currently destroying footsoldiers
in the future and as such have not yet put up their articles.
Be sure to check them when they return triumphant.
Do
you remember a time when rampant and deadly Footsoldier
attacks terrorized America's fair cities and peaceful towns?
NinjaCulture remembers. And do you remember a time when four
unsuspecting turtles went through a process known as "kick
assedness" to become the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
NinjaCulture remembers.
Yes,
I stole this picture from an older article.
Ah
yes, the Ninja Turtles. Cultural phenomenon in the latter
part of the 80s all the way up to 1997. Did I just say 1997?
Yeah, I believe I did. Perhaps by '97 the phenomenon had faded
a bit, but they were still around, and now they're
making a come back.
To
be honest, I haven't seen an episode of the new Turtles show,
and I'm not sure I'll ever see one. I'm a man of the past,
living it and loving it. So when you say "The Turtles"
I think of the green hued fab-four that had only one mission;
to defend*.
*The
new Turtles may or may not defend. Not available in Quebec.
See store for details.
Mike
in "Defending" mode
Defend
what? The Earth, from Shredder, Krang, Footsoldiers and your
standard Dimension X riff raff. Yeah, that about sums them
up. But when I got asked to write this article, I had to choose
one turtle in particular, besides Leonardo, that I thought
would be awesome to write about and had defended the most.
I had to choose quickly for the queriest needed an answer
poste-haste! I chose Michaelangelo and now I'm stuck with
him. You may also notice that I am spelling his name the correct
"incorrect" way and not the way that it's officially
spelled these days.
 |
| Me
doing research. Pictured Above: A pile of naked ladies. |
In
retrospect,
and after rewatching a few episodes under a pile of naked
ladies, I found that Mike didn't really defend as much as
the other Turtles. Also, he kinda smelled like a vagina, but
then again, that could have been the pile. I have
a crack team of boring scientist types working around the
clock running tests and doing tedious lab experiments trying
to determine this.
So
what's Mike good for? Well, he's got a good sense of late
80s vernacular. No, that's not a venereal disease, it basically
means he says "Radical" and "Dude(s)"
a lot, and for the time period, it's correct. Although, if
it's wrong to say "radical" now, I don't wanna be
right. He does kick ass when called upon, but would much rather
be eating pizza or, hell, even surfing. He's also
fond of the color orange, possibly because he secretly loves
the mystical Ibiza sunset.
Another
thing Mike be enjoyin' is good ol' cookin'. I used a southern
type accent there just incase you are from the south and thought
my regulo-english earlier was some kind of moon language.
Yes, Mike is a master of the culinary arts, or so the internet
has me believe. The internet will have me believe a lot of
things. Why, just one peak into my inbox and I could I find
that my lips aren't full enough and my breasts slim, but this
has very little to do with cooking, Turtles, or Mikes in any
way.
If
I wanted to, I could have made an awesome joke at the expense
of the French right there, but I feel it would have been too
awesome and would have left your brain an even more
disgusting pile of pure evil random pink mush. Betenticled?
It's up to you. But I digress.
Mike
in "party" mode.
And
lastly, lest I forget, Mike is the official party dude, it's
says so right in the theme song. Although I think that all
the Ninja Turtles like to party, Mike loves to party. His
favorite kind of party? Pizza party. Party
hats? Optional.
Now
I think I'd better talk about the toys.
Mike
and his three companions were some of the first figures to
hit store shelves back in 1988. This only made sense, he's
a main character and so I'm pretty retarded to point that
out. Standing five inches, he came with his standard arsenal
of nun-chucks and throwing stars.
The
next iteration of Mike would be a plush doll action
figure that stood about nine inches. Perfect size to
defend you from those nine inch foot soldiers.
In
1990 Mike dawned a wetsuit (why? He is a TURTLE!)
during his Sewer Surfin' days, which is, in fact, everyday.
The figure came with a party belt, a Wave-whipping water flingin'
wheel, and of course a sewer worthy surf board.
And
now I'm realizing just how many action figures there are in
the Turtles line. If you expected me to go through every Mike
figure over then span of eight years you might also expected
Hitler to rise from the dead to claim leadership of the world
whilst flying in a rainbow powered balloon. That probably
isn't going to happen. So let's just say that these figures
that I've mentioned are my favorites.
He's
come along way from being just a regular Turtle in Woodys
Pet Shop, Pennshellvania (oh ho ho ho!) to what he
is today, a horrible mutated anthropomorphic clemmys marmorata
proficient in Ninjitsu. He might not have done much in the
episode we're about to watch, or in any I watched this past
week, but we love him all the same maybe simply because Nunchucks
are cooler than you.
SPECIAL
BONUS! BYE BYE FLY EPISODE SYNOPSIS!
As
I just said, the episodes I watched were not Mike
episodes by any means. However, at least one of the boxes
lead me to believe otherwise with Mike prominently displayed
running away from everyone's favorite fly, Baxter Stockman.
Well, maybe not running away from, but looking unsettled at
Baxter. The episode is called "Bye Bye Fly" although
the box it came in would have you believe it's called "Turtles
vs. The Fly". I know not what kind of treachery transpired
to induce an error of that magnitude. I suspect robots. But
then again, I'm always suspicious of robots. Since I sat through
it I'm gonna make you sit through this, even though I thoroughly
enjoyed the episode. But instead of a normal review per se,
I'm gonna try to focus on Mike as much as I can as per the
article specs.
It's
starts off with Don producing a work-out tape with the other
turtles and is conspiring to sell it to channel 6. This has
no bearing on the rest of the plot.
After
the abandoning the workout tape idea, the Turtles decide to
check out what's on TV and lo and behold, their good friend
April O'Neil is doing a report on some archaeological dig
somewhere beneath the streets of New York. The sewers to be
exact. The dig team seems to have discovered some kind of
ancient temple, but they're not quite sure exactly what it
is they've found. The Turtles, concerned that they might be
digging near their lair go off to investigate.
Is
that a pizza? No, it's a pizza shaped control panel.
Meanwhile,
Baxter happens upon the dig site as well and sufficiently
scares off the entire archaeological team with ease. I mean,
he's a talking, human sized fly. That's enough to scare Michael
Jackson, and good lord, that man is the boogie-man.
While inside, Baxter discovers that this is no ordinary templar
at all! In fact, it's not even a temple! It's a transdimensional
space ship! A perfect thing if you're a humanoid fly that
doesn't fit in with society. Also, this ship's computer starts
talking and even befriending Mr. Stockman. In fact,
the ship likes Baxter so much that it let's him take out the
transdimensional drive. This comes into play a little later
on.
My TV is bigger.
Back
at the Technodrome Krang and Shredder are having problems
with the transdimensional portal. Apparently Shredder needs
fuel and supplies from Dimension X but can't get said items
because they don't have enough energy to power the portal.
Bebop and Rocksteady stumble into the scene and Shredder commands
them to take out the garbage since they don't even have enough
energy to power the auto-incinerators.
While
dumping the garbage outside, Bebop and Rocksteady run into
Baxter. Baxter bestows part of the trans-d drive (as I'm gonna
call it now, I'm sick of spelling out that word) onto the
two bumbling sidekicks. This is where what I was talking about
before comes into play. Baxter, you see, is setting a delicious
trap, but that's all we know. The way I see it, I don't even
think he knows what he's planning to do. Fortunately
this ship is a bit smarter than a fly, and it's got something
in mind.
Bebop
and Rocksteady return to their master with the piece of the
trans-d drive. Shredder wisely thinks it's a trap but Krang
can't see to see past the potential power of a completed drive
and orders Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady to search for the
remaining pieces.
Back
in the sewers and using one of Donatello's inventions, the
Turtles are going to pay the dig team a visit because they
are digging near the underground river, almost as if that
was important. While en route they're intercepted by Shredder,
Bebop and Rocksteady. The trio immediately disregards the
warning labels on Don's floatation devices that say "Keep
away sharp objects" and start shooting sharp objects
at them. The Turtles are sunk, but it's okay because they're
turtles and can swim, which leads me to wonder why they needed
those water wings in the first place. Shredder then shoots
a rocket at the Turtles.
Thinking
they've finally gotten rid of those pesky Turtles, Shredder
et al speed off into the sunset towards the space
ship, collecting pieces of the the trans-d drive as they
go. Little do they know they've missed a piece, and more importantly,
a very live and healthy Donatello has gotten a hold of it.
THIS PLAYS A BIG PART IN THE ENDING! PAY ATTENTION! RE-READ
IT IF YOU HAVE TO!
Hmm,
I'm just realizing that I haven't been talking about Mike
that much, definitely not as much as I should be in a Mike
article. At anyrate, back at the space ship, the ship gives
Baxter a gun that shoots "Mutazoo rays". Basically
that's just a fancy way of saying that it changes a living
organism into a different living organism. It's got six incredible
settings and can be yours for only four easy payments
of $39.95. This is the ship's huge idea I was talking about
earlier. I think though, it might've just been easier to take
off and then land on everyone; it is a freakin' space ship
the size of a pyramid. But hey, that's me.
The
Turtles stake out a prime hiding position while Shredder orders
Bebop and Rocksteady to enter the ship. The Turtles decide
not to get involved as it's much more fun to watch Shredder
screw up.
While
Shredder and crew are searching the ship Baxter comes up from
behind and shoots Shreeder with the Mutazoo ray effectively
turning him into a fly. Oh sweet revenge. And I should point
out that how Shredder turns back into a human is only implied
in the end, not actually shown. The turtles rush into see
what all the noise is about. As they're running into the ship
Baxter shoots at Mike (finally something about the guy) and
turns him into a gerbil.
Mike
is none too impressed by the whole situation, mostly concerned
about not being able to strike fear into the hearts of villians
looking as he does. So what needs to be done is obvious, they
need to turn Mike back into a turtle. Too bad Baxter threw
the Mutazoo ray down some sort of tube.
The
rest of the episode is one saxophone short of a wacky chase
through the ship. Along the way the Turtles wear space suits
and run into robotic French chefs that want to make turtle
stew for 'suppaire' before finally finding the Mutazoo ray.
Baxter could care less what the Turtles are up to right about
now, since he's at the controls of the space ship. Realizing
that Baxter is powering up the ship for launch everyone evacuates.
Now,
remember what I said earlier about remembering the thing I
said? Well, unbeknownst to Baxter, Don still has the final
piece to the trans-d drive and as such the ship starts to
fall apart. Where? It's anyone's guess, but it sure looks
like a bad place for a fly.
And
so Baxter is dead. The end.
BACK
TO NINJACULTURE! |
