| In
1978 there was a holiday special that rocked the world.
Of course, back in 1978 it was pretty damn easy to
rock the world. With upcoming death of disco, everyone
was doing it. But no one rocked prime time television
harder than Lucasfilm. I would like to think it had
something to do with their Star Wars Holiday Special,
but I'd be lying. The special was bad. Really
bad. So bad, in fact, that it has never aired
since. So let's take a look at a few reasons why this
monstrosity sucked the proverbial 'big one' at a time
when Lucas could seemingly do no wrong. Only a few
because reruns of the A-Team come on in a few minutes.
We
open with Han and Chewie in the Millennium Falcon
heading back to Kashyyyk, Chewie's home planet, for
Life Day, a Christmas type of holiday that celebrates
life. They run into some trouble, like usual, as a
Star Destroyer is hot on their tail. The footage of
the Star Destroyer was blatantly taken from A New
Hope. But it's not like they're gonna sue themselves
or anything, and Lucas hadn't quite gone insane yet.
Han and Chewie make the jump to light speed and the
main credits role.
This
isn't the standard Star Wars intro we've come to know
and love. First of all, there are no words at a crazy
perspective floating by, and the Star Wars logo isn't
yellow. But I'm just nitpicking here. The entire opening
sequence is almost 3 minutes long. Just long enough
to microwave some Pizza Pops, or for me to lose interest
in this all together. I like Star Wars. I love the
original trilogy, but there have been some pretty
spectacular disasters in the franchise. Just look
at the prequels. Sure, I liked it when Yoda kicked
ass, but he really didn't need to. Everyone was in
agreement that he already did.
Now
it's time to meet the main characters, Chewbacca's
family. First we've got his wife, Malla. Somewhere
in between hauling an old man and a wiener kid around
and kicking ass on Yavin 4, he got married and had
hot wookie sex. How do we know this? That's right.
Chewie has a kid.
A kid named Lumpy, to be exact. I don't think it needs
to be said that 'Lumpy' has got to be the worst damn
name in the galaxy. Lumpy! I wanted to type
it again just so you know that it's not a typo. His
name is actually Lumpy. Lumpy Lumpy Lumpy. Either
that was a cruel joke or someone had a bit too much
to drink, but I think it suits him. He's a very annoying
and not that clever.
And
finally, we've got Chewie's father, Itchy. Another
terrible name. But if you think about it, like really
hard, these names aren't too bad considering that
the entire Wookie language is based on a series of
grunts. Itchy is old and likes watching pornographic
videos.
This
is Chewie's house. It's in a tree.
Alright,
on with the show. The first ten minutes after the
opening are about as fun as a root canal. The setting
is the Wookie household where Malla, Lumpy and Itchy
are waiting for Chewie and Han to arrive so they can
begin with their Life Day celebrations. This is the
problem. The whole damn special is essentially them
waiting for Chewie and Han. I hope I didn't ruin it
for any of you out there, but that's pretty much it.
And if I did ruin it for some of you, I don't care.
You're trying to keep away from spoilers for a crappy
25 year old TV special, you moron.
Let's
just say that I could have done without those 10 minutes
of Wookie dialogue and the auditory mess that is played
during this sequence. This
has got to be the worst Christmas, err, Life Day
songs ever, or at least until the end of the special
where Carrie Fisher tries to sing over top of the
Star Wars Theme, which was not meant for words.
It's
at around this point that Malla and Itchy start to
worry about Chewie and Han. They haven't arrived yet
and they're late. So they call up Luke to see what's
up. This is about as exciting as it gets, folks.
Well,
Luke is looking as fruity as ever, but there is a
reason behind this. See, Mark Hamill had gotten himself
into an accident just a short time before. What many
people don't know is that he crashed into a Senior
el Makupo's secret make-up factory. This is him after
a few weeks of regular bathing. You should have seen
him before; he looked like a south side hooker. South
side of what? My pants. Bam.
Luke
says, "There must have been trouble!", and
then pretty much hangs up because R2 started on fire
or something. I think, though, that was like when
you get your Chinese friend to ring your doorbell
and say "Delivery!" when you're on the phone
with your Aunt Gertrude. I guess it wouldn't have
had to be your 'Chinese' friend, but as bad as this
sounds, it's more believable.
Since
Luke was so useless, Itchy and Malla contact a trader
by the name of Saundan, played by Art Carnie. During
the call, Saundan gets a customer, an Imperial customer.
This guy is creepy. He talks in a gravelly, low, forced
voice and then takes an Imperial grooming device without
paying. His only real purpose is to make Saundan speak
in code whilst talking to Malla and to give an example
to children that he's the kinda guy that you should
stay away from, especially if he offers to show you
some puppies. That's the only reason he was in this,
and that's just sad.
Cut
to Darth Vader walking down an Imperial Hallway. Vader
wants the rebels located and identified and he doesn't
care if it means searching every household in the
system. And then we cut back to the Chewie homestead.
Seriously, the guy gets maybe 10 seconds of real screen
time, and that's even sadder.
Holy
crap, back at Chewie's place there isn't much going
on. There's even more Wookie dialogue and now there's
a four armed chef on the TV. Save me. We also learn
that an Imperial blockade has been set up around Kashyyyk.
No ships will be able to land or take off until further
notice. Then there's a knock at the door and the music
gets intense. Could it be some Storm Troopers? Or
how about Darth Vader himself!
No.
It's just Art Carnie, err, I mean, Saundan again with
some porn for Itchy. Here's a Star Wars Holiday Special
quick tip: Whenever there is a knock on the door,
the music always means the opposite. So let's say
it's a gaggle of Storm Troopers on the other side
of the door, the music will be happy. However, if
it's just Han and Chewie, the music is intense and
foreboding. I know it's a ploy to make us think one
way when it's actually going to go the other. But
it's also kinda like a fat person at a bean eating
contest. You know they're gonna pass the gas. It's
not an if, it's a when, and this
is more predictable than that.
Itchy
settles into his porn chair called 'The Mind Evaporator"
Now,
onto that Wookie smut. During the course of this article
I've alluded to the fact that Itchy likes his porn.
No, fuck that. I've said it outright. And Saundan,
being a trader of Imperial grooming devices, also
has a few erotic programs up his sleeve, and perhaps
down his pants. I wouldn't know, I haven't checked.
No matter where he hides them, he has them, and gave
one to Itchy. Now, in a time of crisis who hasn't
thought about sex? I mean, what better way to take
your mind off of things?
To
be honest though, the porn tape is nothing more than
Diahann Carroll telling Itchy that she's his fantasy.
And then she sings a song. A really bad song. While
we're on the topic of Diahann Carroll, does she really
have to spell her name like that? Good lord that's
embarrassing.
Another
pointless call is made by Princess Leia and C-3P0.
They want to talk to Chewie or Han but of course they
can't because they haven't arrived yet. We know not
of what they to talk to them about, and so it's another
pointless scene.
I
want to say this right now, just to remind you folks:
This was made back when Star Wars was cool. Just so
we're clear.
I'm
gonna end Part 1 of this article with this nasty cliff
hanger of a picture. I know you people are gonna hate
me for it. And yes it's just a cheap way of making
11 articles 12. But deal with it.
Here's
another link to that terrible song that I mentioned
just incase you missed it.
DOWNLOAD THE TERRIBLE SONG! (right-click
-> save)
CLICK
FOR PART TWO!!
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