Allright,
so let's say you've done some things over the past
year that you're not proud of. There's no real need
for me to go into what exactly those indiscretions
may have been, but the situation may be that you have
found yourself on Santa's Naughty List, and therefore
you are completely ineligible for any gifts.
This
can be a real problem, for obvious reasons. Nobody
wants to not get anything for Christmas - that'd be
like, uh, Easter without, um, those Cadbury Eggs,
or something. It's not right.
So
if you're one of those unfortunate people that's in
that sort of situation this year, you may find this
article helpful. I've been doing some research* on
getting out of Santa's bad books myself, and I've
decided to share a couple of routes to true Christmas
goodness for the lot of you.
*"research"
is of course a fancy way of saying "I made it
up"
[1]
Commit as many good deeds as possible in two
days. Basically, your task will be to wander
the land doing every single possible good thing that
occurs to you, from picking up the smallest bits of
trash to foiling the largest robberies. It is up to
you to effect as much good as possible in the shortest
time possible, because you were supposed to be doing
stuff like this all year, and now you've got a lot
to make up for. A lot of people using this technique
tend to burn in on the second day, but other good-deed
methods are available - what about the Internet? Lots
of people need advice, and that can be done without
leaving your chair. Just make sure it's good advice,
not the bad stuff you might normally dish out.
[2]
Speaking of computers, you could hack Santa's
Naughty List and change your status. Or alternately,
get someone possessed of l33t enough skillz to do
it for you. I bet you thought that Santa still writes
this good/bad stuff down, didn't you? Not a chance.
In today's fast-paced, technologically advanced world,
an operation as specialized and gigantic as Santa's
has got to keep up, and I happen to know that Santa's
Good/Bad databases are housed on a server with remarkably
poor security. For those who live near the North Pole,
wireless access is also said to be an option.
[3]
Capture Osama Bin Laden. This might fall
under good deeds to some, but it actually doesn't,
because in doing so you're allowed to be as sneaky
and violent as you need to be. The ends justify the
means in Santa's books, and bringing in a big fish
like Bin Laden would cement your name on the good
side of things for a couple of years at least.
[4]
You know that seemingly trite, cliched thing about
how kids like to leave him Cookies and Milk?
Don't laugh, it works. Even though Santa gets an assload
of exercise each year by hauling presents into every
household, he doesn't manage to lose any weight. Why?
Because he can be bought, my friend. Nothing like
a last-minute offering to the big guy in red to get
you a couple of last-minute presents as well.
[5]
If you're one of the few who happen to be in a position
of political power, lean on him a little.
Along with your wish list, submit an attached note
making vague threats about exposing the dirty secrets
of his operation to the world at large. Using points
such as "elves actually children in disguise,
forced to work in sweatshop-like toy factory"
and "reindeer are abused and live in filthy,
untended stables" will more than likely put a
bit of a scare into Old Saint Nick and get you a couple
gifts in return for not bringing him before the supreme
court. What you claim to know doesn't necessarily
have to be true, but believe me, Santa is a very cautious
fellow, and if a couple of presents will shut you
up, so be it.
[6]
Visit Ninjaculture regularly, and
also the fine sites we link to. I'm not sure why it
works, but it does.
[7]
As a contrast to #5, do a favor for Santa.
Anything you can think of that will make his one-night-a-year-of-actual-work
a little easier is guaranteed to be a hit. You know
those crazy neighbors of yours that like to fire their
guns wildly into the air on Christmas Eve? Get them
to stop. You know those jagged bits of glass wedged
into the inside of your Chimney that you've been meaning
to clean out of there? Do it. You know that reindeer
you've got locked in your basement, with that crazy
red nose that lights up and you don't know how
the hell he does it but isn't it so cool?
Maybe it's time you let him out.
[8]
Stop being so mean to Mall Santas. In a metaphysical
way they are an aspect of the True Santa, and yea
verily what harm is visited upon their persons is
most surely visited upon the True Santa himself, being
linked in spirit as they are. That means it's time
to stop drop-kicking them, because nobody, least of
all Santa, likes being drop-kicked.
Well, there you are. Eight fantastic ways to guarantee
yourself a shiny new whatever-you-asked for this Christmas.
Me? I don't have to worry about it, I don't believe
in Santa. Merry
Christmas, everyone!
NINJACULTURE:
THE GO-BACKENING
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