Every
year I am asked to make up a small 'wish list' of
stuff I'd like from my folks for Christmas. And every
year it takes me forever to finally do it, because
I'm about as indecisive and greedy as, uh, - [oh
boy I shouldn't have said indecisive and greedy, because
now I have to think of something that's both, and
that's way harder than just doing one or the other...crap!...can't
think of anything...going to have to make something
up] - a Zebra on speed, or something.
But
each year I somehow get through this task and manage
to deliver an itemized list of demands. Of late, however,
I have discovered what I believe to be the true reason
for my lolly-gagging and tom-foolery in the list creation
department - it's because I can't ask for what I really
want. Dangerous things. Potentially controversial
things.
Despite
this, things are different now. I am fortunate, this
year, to have an outlet such as this for those unused
gift ideas I've got rolling around in my head, because
I happen to know that there are several millionaires
that read this site and hopefully one of them will
take it upon themselves to make me the happiest little
boy in town.
Should
they decide that they want to bring one unfortunate
Canadian true happiness, they can do so by delivering
unto me one or more of the following items:
An
M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW)
This
little puppy fires 5.56mm NATO rounds at anywhere
from 750 to 1,000 rounds per minute, and has a maximum
effective range of about 1000 metres. In the likely
event of catastrophic global thermonuclear war, as
one of the few struggling survivors I will have my
hands full trying to keep the radioactive Zombie People
from getting to my stores of food. Obviously, a bit
a firepower of this nature will help immensely in
that regard. Until then, I will probably mount it
on top of my car and use it to quell riots as a freelance
vigilante in Winnipeg. Alternately, I suppose I could
use it to start riots, if need be. Plus I can use
it to kill spiders.
A
Secret Volcano Base
You
know, like in that movie, You Only Live Twice. As
I've stated elsewhere, and in the most humble way
possible, it's really only a matter of time until
mankind as a whole recognizes my greatness and elects
me President of the Earth for Ever and Always. When
that glorious day arrives, I am going to want to set
up shop in some sort of cool secret lair as soon as
possible so I can do a lot of plotting and scheming
about how to succesfully conquer the moon and what
have you. The problem is, if I have to wait all the
way until I'm President of the Earth for Ever and
Always to get a secret volcano base, I'm going to
have to wait even longer as it's built. And that means
you'll have a very cranky president who will make
all sorts of unreasonable demands because he isn't
where he should be, which is brooding over maps of
the moon inside of a volcano. Look, I'm just saying
things will be tough if we don't get this out of the
way as soon as possible.
Some
sort of Ninja-assassin-type that can travel around
in time to kill people for me.
Of
course, when I am President of the World for Ever
and Always, I will have many enemies, so this will
come in very handy. I also need one right now, though,
and I got a good reason: see, a while ago I had this
idea for a band called Big In Japan. Well, before
that, I blurted out that it must be every rock band's
dream to make it big in Japan, because that's cool.
And then I figured out that I could just skip that
step and call my band Big In Japan, because then people
would have no choice but to think we already were,
and then they would love us and give us money. Okay,
one minor problem - according to the UBL,
there's already, like, TWO bands called Big In Japan!
So basically I need the Ninja to go back and kill
them before they form, because that was MY IDEA, and
that's what they get for obviously stealing it.
A
Chozo Powersuit
Sheeeeeit
yeah.
A
working Imperial TIE Fighter.
You
might not know this about me, but between the ages
of twelve and fifteen, everything that came out of
my mouth was essentially part of one giant Star Wars
conversation. Sure there may have been other things
I discussed or thought about, but with the fact that
I a.)finally saw the entire trilogy, b.)started reading
the novels, and c.)played unhealthy amounts of LucasArts'
TIE Fighter for the PC, my life had one obvious focus
at that time, and that was Star Wars. As a result,
I still have a longing desire for a TIE Fighter, those
oddly-designed little Geo Metros (in that they explode
violently at even the concept of physical damage)
of the Imperial Navy. I personally would probably
just use it to go to work or school, and maybe shoot
at people and houses that I don't like. Nothing too
serious.
Anyway,
not much more needs to be said on this topic. Suffice
it to say that I have many, many more unused Christmas
demands that will just have to wait for the right
ears to fall upon. But if my millionaire theory from
above is right, and someone does take pity on me,
well, maybe our life (and by 'our' I mean 'my') on
this little blue planet we call Earth will be just
a little better.
HEAD
ON BACK TO NINJACULTURE
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