It's not so much "unreasonable" as "insane".
By Nathan - December 22, 2003

Every year I am asked to make up a small 'wish list' of stuff I'd like from my folks for Christmas. And every year it takes me forever to finally do it, because I'm about as indecisive and greedy as, uh, - [oh boy I shouldn't have said indecisive and greedy, because now I have to think of something that's both, and that's way harder than just doing one or the other...crap!...can't think of anything...going to have to make something up] - a Zebra on speed, or something.

But each year I somehow get through this task and manage to deliver an itemized list of demands. Of late, however, I have discovered what I believe to be the true reason for my lolly-gagging and tom-foolery in the list creation department - it's because I can't ask for what I really want. Dangerous things. Potentially controversial things.

Despite this, things are different now. I am fortunate, this year, to have an outlet such as this for those unused gift ideas I've got rolling around in my head, because I happen to know that there are several millionaires that read this site and hopefully one of them will take it upon themselves to make me the happiest little boy in town.

Should they decide that they want to bring one unfortunate Canadian true happiness, they can do so by delivering unto me one or more of the following items:

An M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW)

This little puppy fires 5.56mm NATO rounds at anywhere from 750 to 1,000 rounds per minute, and has a maximum effective range of about 1000 metres. In the likely event of catastrophic global thermonuclear war, as one of the few struggling survivors I will have my hands full trying to keep the radioactive Zombie People from getting to my stores of food. Obviously, a bit a firepower of this nature will help immensely in that regard. Until then, I will probably mount it on top of my car and use it to quell riots as a freelance vigilante in Winnipeg. Alternately, I suppose I could use it to start riots, if need be. Plus I can use it to kill spiders.

A Secret Volcano Base

You know, like in that movie, You Only Live Twice. As I've stated elsewhere, and in the most humble way possible, it's really only a matter of time until mankind as a whole recognizes my greatness and elects me President of the Earth for Ever and Always. When that glorious day arrives, I am going to want to set up shop in some sort of cool secret lair as soon as possible so I can do a lot of plotting and scheming about how to succesfully conquer the moon and what have you. The problem is, if I have to wait all the way until I'm President of the Earth for Ever and Always to get a secret volcano base, I'm going to have to wait even longer as it's built. And that means you'll have a very cranky president who will make all sorts of unreasonable demands because he isn't where he should be, which is brooding over maps of the moon inside of a volcano. Look, I'm just saying things will be tough if we don't get this out of the way as soon as possible.

Some sort of Ninja-assassin-type that can travel around in time to kill people for me.

Of course, when I am President of the World for Ever and Always, I will have many enemies, so this will come in very handy. I also need one right now, though, and I got a good reason: see, a while ago I had this idea for a band called Big In Japan. Well, before that, I blurted out that it must be every rock band's dream to make it big in Japan, because that's cool. And then I figured out that I could just skip that step and call my band Big In Japan, because then people would have no choice but to think we already were, and then they would love us and give us money. Okay, one minor problem - according to the UBL, there's already, like, TWO bands called Big In Japan! So basically I need the Ninja to go back and kill them before they form, because that was MY IDEA, and that's what they get for obviously stealing it.

A Chozo Powersuit

Sheeeeeit yeah.

A working Imperial TIE Fighter.

You might not know this about me, but between the ages of twelve and fifteen, everything that came out of my mouth was essentially part of one giant Star Wars conversation. Sure there may have been other things I discussed or thought about, but with the fact that I a.)finally saw the entire trilogy, b.)started reading the novels, and c.)played unhealthy amounts of LucasArts' TIE Fighter for the PC, my life had one obvious focus at that time, and that was Star Wars. As a result, I still have a longing desire for a TIE Fighter, those oddly-designed little Geo Metros (in that they explode violently at even the concept of physical damage) of the Imperial Navy. I personally would probably just use it to go to work or school, and maybe shoot at people and houses that I don't like. Nothing too serious.

Anyway, not much more needs to be said on this topic. Suffice it to say that I have many, many more unused Christmas demands that will just have to wait for the right ears to fall upon. But if my millionaire theory from above is right, and someone does take pity on me, well, maybe our life (and by 'our' I mean 'my') on this little blue planet we call Earth will be just a little better.


E-Mail/MSN: monster-0@alucentral.ca

Three Days Remain until the Magic Story Time Christmas Spectacular...

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