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This is the most retarded story ever.

by Andrew - June 27, 2002

I was enjoying a rockin' Tuesday afternoon when suddenly the urge struck me. No, it wasn't the urge to herbal. I just needed a Revel. So as I scrounged through the freezer looking for that oh so smooth a creamy revel I obviously had to pass by some other foodstuffs that just happened to be in there. Frozen Pees and Pizza Pops blocked me at every turn in my mini-quest to find a revel. Finally, I found one, and everything was right. Or was it?

As I sat down on the couch, eating the revel and watching some TV, my mind wandered onto other food products that come on sticks such as corn dogs, candy apples, popsicles, and even sometimes cotton candy. Then it hit me... popsicles... Popsicle Pete! Where the hell did he go? So since I obviously have an internet connection I tried to find out what happened to our beloved frozen treat flinging superhero.

I don't know what happened. Maybe the internet is broken today but it seems that the entire world has forgotten about Popsicle Pete and his lousy merchandise you could get by sending in a bajillion Popsicle Pete Points that isn't worth nearly the amount of money you spent on popsicles. At any rate, since I couldn't find any information on the subject I'll just make it up. The last time I remember seeing him was in the early to mid 90s so we'll start around.. oh say.. 1994. So here's my take on what happened to Popsicle Pete.

One day Popsicle Pete was walking down the street, frightening small children with his usual brand of popsicle marketing. He was having a grand old time because informing the world about popsicles is what he was born to do.

A car pulled up beside Popsicle Pete. A window opened and a hand waved him in. Being a popsicle and not knowing the rule about not getting into strange cars, Pete hopped in.

The interior of the car was black and the windows were so tinted that absolutely no light would be able to seep in. Popsicle Pete couldn't see anything.

Voice: Congratulations, I'm sending you on a journey of epic proportions. If you succeed you will be rewarded more riches and popsicle women than you've ever dreamed of.
Popsicle Pete: I'll do it if I don't have to go to any African countries. I'll melt you see.
Voice: Well shit. There goes our plan to overthrow the king of Africa.
Second Voice: Well, what about the other quest?
Voice: Oh yes, the other quest. We have run out of chocolate chips. We need you to go out to the farthest, coldest known galaxy, Chocolatechipia, to recover the chocolate chips we need.
Popsicle Pete: Cold? I can do that! Because as Kahn always said with a dramatic flare only he can provied, "It's very cold... in spaaaace!". But aren't there Klingons and Imperialists and Bears in space? I might die, or worse yet, get eaten!
Voice: Don't worry about that, you'll be fine. Now go, and don't come back without the chocolate chips!

And with that, Popsicle Pete was ejected out of the car and into outer space! But who where those mysterious voices in the car? And why did they need chocolate chips so badly? And why would they depend on a frozen eat snack in their hour of chocolate chip need? These questions were all but answered as Popsicle Pete tumbled towards Chocolatechipia.

To say that it was a short journey to Chocolatechipia would be a blatent lie. It took Popsicle Pete around a millions years to reach Chocolatechipia. That in itself would explain why he went missing but it didn't quite happen like that. Through some crazy temporal physics and time travel, Popsicle Pete actually arrived at Chocolatechipia a few minutes before he was ejected from the car. I don't have enought time here to explain everything, you're just gonna have to accept it.

Once he arrived on Chocolatechipia 1, Pete looked around and found that the entire planet was a chocolate chip. All he had to do now was start digging. He really wished that the mysterious voices had told him how much chocolate he should bring back.

Out of nowhere, Optimus Primal came over and started yelling at Popsicle Pete.

Optimus Primal: What in the hell are you doing?
Popsicle Pete: I'm on a quest to gather chocolate chips.
Optimus Primal: Not on my planet you're not!
Popsicle Pete: You're planet? Aren't you supposed to be back on Cybertron?
Optimus Primal: Cybertron was great until a certain writer *cough*Skir*cough* decided that it would be a good idea to fuck it up. So I left. I mean, did you hear the crap that guy had me saying during Beast Machines' run? Organic this, organic that. It was all pretty gay. We're machines for crying out loud! And just look at me! Everyone I talked to says that I looked way cooler at the end of Beast Wars. I don't even know who I am anymore!
Popsicle Pete: Whoa, okay, I think somebody needs a little nap.
Optimus Primal: Sorry about that. Anyways, you seem alright. I'll let you dig for your chocolate chips. What the heck.. I'll even give you a hand!

And so Optimus Primal and Popsicle Pete dug for Chocolate Chips. When the had what they thought was enough, the duo took off in Optimus' Fabulous Space Travelling Contraption and headed back towards earth. It's was a long trip.

Optimus Primal: Soooo... did you catch the game last night?
Popsicle Pete: No, I've been stuck in a space ship with you for that last five years. You don't even know if there was a game last night!
Optimus Primal: Right, right.
Optimus Primal: Soooo... did you catch the...
Popsicle Pete: Oh my god! For the last time, NO! Why wont you shut up!? How much longer do I have to put up with you?!
Optimus Primal: Three wonderful years!
Popsicle Pete: Nooooooooo!

Finally, Pete and Primal landed on earth and unpacked their precious chocolatey cargo. The mysterious car was there to greet them. The hand waved them in.

Voice: Good work. Now we have enough chocolate chips to make lots of cookies.
Optimus Primal: Who, if I may ask, are you guys?
Voice: I guess it can't hurt to let them know.
Second Voice: It'll probably come back to haunt us in the end, but since we're gonna kill them anyways, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. We are none other than the Keebler Elves! Okay, kill them.

All the elves drew their Desert Eagles and started firing. Popsicle Pete was assasinated but Primal took cover and escaped back to Chocolatechipia 1. And so in conclusion:


If there is anyone still reading after all that nonsense, I congratulate you. Well done soldier! You've just read through the most retarded story ever.

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

Happy Birthday TMF!

It appears that my designbytes@alucentral.ca email account is on the fritz again. If you were trying to email me there or if any of you have been trying to get on the camportal I would highly suggest trying my hotmail account above instead.

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