| What
comes to mind when you think of the Mushroom Kingdom? Trees,
rocks and shotty construction. If you really look at the Mushroom
Kingdom, it's full of holes and deadly plants. I know if my
nieghborhood was filled with plants that would eat me, I'd be
sitting down and writing a serious letter to my Mushroom
King. Today
we'll be taking a look at the Mushroom Kingdom and the many
faults that surround it without talking about drugs! Can
it be done? Continue reading to find out!
Exhibit
A: Deadly to the EXTREME Holes
Our
journey starts right in the beginning. Have you ever been
walking along, minding your own business, and then suddenly
fall in a huge fricken hole and die? No? Me niether. But Mario
and, to a lesser extent, Luigi have, countless times. For
a kingdom as rich and powerful as the Mushroom Kingdom thier
Deptartment of Transportation leaves something to be desired.
Exhibit
B: Really Bad Plumbing
Continuing
on into the seedy underbelly of the Mushroom Kingdom we notice
the dark, damp sewers. But more readily we notice the horrid
plumbing. Aren't those pipes supposed to be connected to something
and not have deadly plants growing out of them? I know
if I lived in the mushroom kingdom I'd make a 12-point inspection
of my toilet before going to the washroom. I don't need a
pirhana plant biting me in the ass.
Okay,
okay. Now we all know that the Brothers Mario are infact pumbers,
and I guess it's safe to say that they're at least decent
plumbers considering they're all up and up with the royal
mushroom family. You'd think they'd carry a bottle of round-up
with them or at least a wrench to connect these pipes to their
respective facilities.
Exhibit
C: Constant Air Attacks
To
live in the Mushroom Kingdom would be like living in France
during World War II. It's constantly under attack from both
sides and it's full of dirty frenchmen. That being said, if
you haven't tried it, try looking up and down at the
same time. Any person with a degree in TV/VCR repair could
tell you that looking up and down at the same time is impossible
but this is what you have to do to survive everyday life in
the Mushroom Kingdom. The holes were bad enough, and then
they had to throw in constant bombings.
Exhibit
D: Overrun by Devil Worshipping Monsters
Sure
the Mushroom Kingdom has it's share of bad guys and nogoodniks
like every kingdom. But the Mushroom Kingdom is the only kingdom
I know of overrun by turtles famous for thier black magic.
I'm not kidding. If you've ever read the manual for los hermanos
Mario (spanish trasnlation) you'll find that the Koopas do
infact practice black magic. I love the crazy shit they throw
into video games.
Exhibit
E: What kind of excuse for a castle is that?
Sure
it's supposed to be a small castle but I've seen huts bigger
than that. I pointed this out to Nathan and he suggested that
maybe they're really long. Okay, I'll give them that much,
but where are the cannons and catapults and Death Star like
laser beams? And it sure doesn't impress enimies enough to
make them cower and run away. That's probably the reason why
the Mushroom Kingdom is overrun with little devil turtles
in the first place.
And
finally, why is the Mushroom Kingdom is such a state of peril?
Well, obviously it's because they're on drugs! ... DAMN! Apparently
you can't write an article about Super Mario Brother without
mentioning drugs. Ah well. |
