| Being
that it's two and a half years since everyone thought the
world was going to blow up, and that certainly didn't happen,
the world is long due for an apocalypse, and it shows. Some
signs I've been noticing are increased government security,
the microchip I found in my forehead while shaving (IT'S TRUE!
IT'S TRUE!) and the fact that, yes, I'm writing up a CMF Review.
So if, while taking a walk (or whatever middle-america does
these days), you see four horsemen, hand the couple of beers
and then duck and cover because it's going to be one hell
of a ka-motherfucking-boom.
Another
thing of note: For many centuries (more like 2 years) Nathan
and I strived to find the worts crappy movies in our fair
town. We have succeeded somewhat in what could only be described
as total farout rockage. We set up strict guidelines to adhere
to. First rule of CMF, there is no CMF. Second rule of CMF,
We are confined to our sides of the couch, etc, etc. One rule
explicitly stated that we were to rent movies without
obviously crappy actors on the cover. As it turns out Burt
Reynolds was specifically cited in that rule, and this time
around (like almost every other time) we threw the rule book
out the window and rented THE MADDENING starring
the illustrious and kiniving Burt Reynolds.
 THE
MADDENING
stars Mia Sara (Timecop)
as
a mother upset with her husband, David (Biran Wimmer),
for not having enough time for her and thier daughter, Samantha
(Kayla Buglewicz). After a fight with David, the mother,
Cassie, takes Samantha and leaves thier Californian home on
a crazy cross country road trip to her sisters house in Florida.
Everything was going well until a stop at a backwater gas
station somewhere in Florida where they meet Roy Scudder (Burt
Reynolds).
At
first glance Roy seems to be a nice fellow just trying to
help a lady out. But anything more than a glance reveals Roy's
true nature. He's fucking nuts. Not only does he cut some
sort of important fluid line in Cassie's car, he kidnaps Cassie
and her daughter and takes them home to his wife, Georgia
(Angie Dickenson) who is even more insane and immediately
mistakes the duo for her long lost sister and niece. Roy then
locks Cassie and Samantha in different rooms and destroys
Cassies car. Like I said, fucking nuts.
Now
that you've got that basic idea of what's going on, let's
take a look back at what's going on at the homefront. David,
the husband, tries to clean up the mess he made whilst dueling
it out with Cassie. As he's cleaning up he cuts himself and
starts bleeding all over the place. Smooth Dave, smooth. Now
what would happen if a cop were to show up, huh? You're wife's
not around, the whole nieghborhood knows that you two have
been on the outs recently, and with all that blood on the
floor? Well, let's put it this way, it doesn't look good..
if a cop show up that is.
And
that's exactly what happened. A cop came a knockin'. A cop
by the name of Chicky Ross (Josh Mostel).
Look
at him. Just look at him. In movies, there's something called
"setting the rules". It's basically means that for
a particular film, things can or can't happen. Take Star Wars
for example, there is sound in space in Star Wars. In reality
there isn't any sound in space but in the Star Wars universe
there is. In The Maddening they want you to
believe that Mr. Policeman Chicky Ross here is infact an officer
of the law. I'm sorry, I can't make that leap. I can accept
sound in space but I can't accept the fact that this man is
an officer. That's asking too much.
Of
course he jumps to the conclusion that Dave killed Cassie.
David's case isn't helped much by his nieghbor that informs
Mr. Ross that she saw Dave and Cassie fighting. Apparetly
she likes to watch other people in thier homes. Isn't that
some kind of offence? Apparently not. Not in Chicky Ross'
books anyways.
Do
you know how close I came to actually breaking down in the
last paragraph and admitting that he could quite possibly
be a cop? Well, closer than you think. Then I saw the above
picture again. I distinctly remember saying "What the
crap!" during that scene. That's not his sandwich he's
holding, oh no. He stole it! That doesn't sound much
like a cop to me. And he's eating it right in the victims
face with such contempt and enjoyment! What an ass!
Back
to the Action! Ah yes, there's Roy and Georgia: Loony
couple. By this time in the film they've both completely lost
it. He's seeing visions of his dead father and she's even
more convinced that Cassie and Samantha are infact her long
lost sister and niece. I can't say they're the most stable
couple in the world, and I would say they have one thing going
for them but being nuts isn't really the pro I was looking
for.
The
ending? Well, you're just going to have to rent this monstrosity
yourself to find out. But it basically goes like this, they
get away.
This
review, such as it was since we watched this movie over a
month a go, IS OVER!
FRANK
ZAGARINO HEADS (out of five)
Bonk!
Ha ha ha! |
