| Having
moved out of my parents' place rather prematurely (I hadn't
planned it 'till, like, twenty-seven or so) I've been forced
to adapt to a frightening new environment. The Big City is
a far cry from the Little Towns so many of us have grown up
in, and if you're not careful, it'll kill you.
I
mean, actually physically murder you. The Big City
has absolutely no time for people who can't adapt to its daily
pressures and myriad oddities, and if you're not up to the
task, it'll know. Fortunately, being such a quick-witted and
intelligent person such as myself has once again come in handy,
as I acclimated nicely to The Big City before it even realized
I was there. Now that I've seen what it's like on the inside,
though, I realize there are painfully few resources available
for those who wish to prepare themselves for a big move of
their very own. In light of this, I'm going to dispense a
few handy tips for staying alive in The Big City.
LESSON
1:
If you just made eye contact with that guy, you're toast.
A
big part of living in The Big City is learning how to pretend
that you're the only person that lives there. Oh sure, you
can acknowledge a few key people, like your roommate, or that
nice lady at the Tim Horton's down the street, but besides
that, it's just better for everyone if you try not to realize
they exist. As soon as you've made anything close to contact
with them, they can react unpredictably - or not at all, depending
on your luck.
At
best, nothing will happen. Occasionally someone might say
something, and in a worst case scenario, which is the most
common, you will get mugged. Which brings us to;
LESSON
2:
Muggers - Come on, they need to eat too.
Something
you will learn quickly is to never carry anything on your
person that is of any value whatsoever. Recent polls indicate
that approximately twelve out of every ten people in The Big
City are muggers, which actually doesn't seem possible at
all. Especially given the fact that I filled out that survey
and specifically stated that I was not a mugger.
Possible
or not, it's still important to recognize that there are a
lot of people who are perfectly willing to rob you
blind at the drop of a hat, especially if it's a nice hat.
Fortunately, fellow apartment-dweller Conrad has this advice
to give on the subject of muggers:
"The
trick is to keep moving. Muggers can only see what's standing
still, which is why they always yell 'Freeze!' and stuff like
that. Just do a crazy dance, or walk in a zig-zag pattern.
They'll never be able to keep track of you."
LESSON
3:
Learn to eat cheap. For example, this is lunch.
As
you know, everything in The Big City is at least twice as
expensive as The Small Town. The government tries to trick
you into thinking it's cheaper by removing taxes from 'essential'
food items, like bread, but you're saving a whole twelve cents
as opposed to the fourteen dollars you just paid for a litre
of milk. Thus, it's important that you learn to budget your
money properly, and be prepared to eat a little less than
the gigantic country buffets you're used to back home.
Soup
Cups are, of course, a staple of The Big City's nutrition.
They're quick, affordable, and delightfully easy to prepare,
unless you have some kind of pathological fear of Microwaves.
Don't worry, lots of people do. You don't have to be ashamed
to admit it. (a lie: yes you do)
Other
sources of nourishment are breakfast cereals (they're not
just for breakfast anymore!), miniature chocolate bars, potato
chips, and any food whose cooking instructions are "Microwave
on HIGH for 4 to 6 minutes". In time, you will learn
to strategically plan your weekends in order to hang around
your parents just long enough to get a free meal.
And
finally,
LESSON
4:
Nobody likes you.
It's
true. Wherever you came from, you were probably a pretty well-respected
guy, with a good number of friends and hangers-on. Well, in
The Big City, that all goes out the window. Back there, you
might have been 'funny' - here, you're just some crazy moron.
Back there, you might have been 'outgoing' - here, you're
creepy and probably a criminal of some kind. See where I'm
going?
From
reading the above article you might think that The Big City
is a horrible, awful place. Well, it kind of is, but there's
also a lot more stores than you'd think, and way more diverse
movie selections at the video stores. So as long as you keep
your head down, your hands in your pockets, and your bus pass
well hidden at all times, you'll be fine.
(Probably) |
