It
seems that every year there is so much ado made about
getting the "perfect gift" for that "special
someone" or whatever. Fortunes are made and lost
on advertisements beckoning you to consider that what
She Really Wants This Year is a cordless drill, or
What He'd Love To Put In The Garage is a Fisher-Price
playset of some kind.
From
all that you might have gotten the idea that the purpose
of this article is to instruct and advise in what
the absolutely-most-perfectest-gift could ever be
for anyone. My answer to you is...
NO!
Didn't you read the title? Have you been paying attention
at all?!
Man.
Anyway, what I'm here to do is tirelessly promote
gift ideas that are in fact incredibly bad. Why am
I prepared to speak so highly of them? Because they
don't exist, and I want to see if I can send anyone
out looking for them anyway. Evil laughter and so
on. Without any further delay, then, here are three
truly bad gift ideas for that special someone this
holiday season. Enjoy!
[1]
CNN: The Complete First Season
Perfect For: Information Junkies, DVD Collectors
DVD
has taken the world by storm, and of late, DVD box-sets
of TV shows have emerged to the forefront of popularity.
Now, the easiest way to enjoy your favorite show over
and over is to simply buy the DVDs, given that even
after repeated viewings the superior image and sound
quality does not degrade.
But
many have wondered - will there ever be DVDs for those
of us who only watch television for the news? Worry
no more, because Time Warner has seen fit to kick
off a massive undertaking by releasing a DVD box-set
of CNN: The Complete First Season. This astonishing
set features each and every hour (without, of course,
the approximately twenty minutes of commercials per
hour) of the first year of CNN's broadcasting, starting
all the way back in June of 1980. Each DVD contains
three hours of uncut, digitally remastered film and
sound for a set that contains a record-setting one
thousand, nine hundred and forty-seven discs. The
extra features you crave are also present, from behind-the-scenes
documentaries to commentaries, scene-to-storyboard
comparisons and more!
Time
Warner has also announced their intention to release
the entire back catalog of CNN's broadcast history,
so you're assured the perfect christmas gift for years
to come. (MSRP: $26,000 CAD)
[2]
Shin-Tostuu, the Talking Toaster
Perfect For: Philosophists, Toast Perfectionists
It's
finally happened: this Christmas, Kanzaki Heavy Industries
of Japan are making the jump to North America by introducing
Westerners to their wildly popular invention: Shin-Tostuu,
the Talking Toaster.
Shin-Tostuu
appears to be a regular toaster with a screen built
into one side, but plug him in and prepare for an
enlightening and tasty breakfast experience. Shin-Tostuu's
built-in voice recognition software allows users,
after a small orientation drill, to verbally specify
their exact toasting preference. Shin-Tostuu respectfully
obliges, of course, but the real value of the product
comes while you are waiting for your toast.
You
see, Shin-Tostuu, in addition to being a fine toaster,
can also act as your philosophical and spiritual guide.
Kanzaki Heavy Industries have built in hundreds of
pre-programmed phrases that Shin-Tostuu will say as
it applies just the right amount of heat. Users will
not only have the satisfaction of a food product well-toasted,
but will find enlightenment in the process. Just look
at some of the great phrases from the Japanese version!
"Ebi
no idaina saigo desu!"
How honorably shrimp struggle as they choke to
death!
"Anata
wa haru ichiban no sakura no yoni utsukushii."
You are as beautiful as spring's first cherry
blossom.
"Sekai
ichi no ginko ni otsutome desune."
I see you work for the largest bank on the planet.
Yes,
soon you too will be able to put Shin-Tostuu to work
for your stomach, as well as your mind! (MSRP:
$119 CAD)
[3]
The OddJob Grill
Perfect For: Voracious Grillers of Meat, Goldfinger
Fans
Let's
face it: that Foreman grill thing is /obsolete/. With
new recipes and variatons on your favorite meat products
being invented every day, there is but one grill that
can stand up to the challenge of just being able to
bring about a satisfying meal.
That
grill is the Oddjob Grill. A radically different grilling
concept than the outdated Foreman variant, the Oddjob
grill, while being adorned with everyone's favorite
hat-tossing henchman, is perfectly able to make your
grilled food taste nearly as fantastic as you could
ever dream of. On top of that, should you or yours
ever be in danger, you'll find that, much like Oddjob's
hat, the grill itself makes a fantastic throwing weapon.
Fend off foes and make great burgers at the same time!
What could be finer?
Provided
it is not banned on account of being far too deadly/tasty,
the Oddjob Grill should be available everywhere. (MSRP:
$50 CAD)
Well!
That about finishes up this little awful gift roundup.
Suffice it to say that these gifts will cause faces
to cringe and lame promises of "Oh yeah, it's
great!" to be spoken. If you feel you
must get them one of these items at some point in
your life, at the very least try saving it for one
of the lesser holidays or a birthday. Let's try not
to ruin Christmas for everyone, eh?
RETURN
TO NINJACULTURE
OR YOU GET NOTHING!
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