Save yourself the embarassment this year.
By Nathan - December 20, 2003

It seems that every year there is so much ado made about getting the "perfect gift" for that "special someone" or whatever. Fortunes are made and lost on advertisements beckoning you to consider that what She Really Wants This Year is a cordless drill, or What He'd Love To Put In The Garage is a Fisher-Price playset of some kind.

From all that you might have gotten the idea that the purpose of this article is to instruct and advise in what the absolutely-most-perfectest-gift could ever be for anyone. My answer to you is...

Didn't you read the title? Have you been paying attention at all?!

Man. Anyway, what I'm here to do is tirelessly promote gift ideas that are in fact incredibly bad. Why am I prepared to speak so highly of them? Because they don't exist, and I want to see if I can send anyone out looking for them anyway. Evil laughter and so on. Without any further delay, then, here are three truly bad gift ideas for that special someone this holiday season. Enjoy!

CNN: The Complete First Season
Perfect For: Information Junkies, DVD Collectors

DVD has taken the world by storm, and of late, DVD box-sets of TV shows have emerged to the forefront of popularity. Now, the easiest way to enjoy your favorite show over and over is to simply buy the DVDs, given that even after repeated viewings the superior image and sound quality does not degrade.

But many have wondered - will there ever be DVDs for those of us who only watch television for the news? Worry no more, because Time Warner has seen fit to kick off a massive undertaking by releasing a DVD box-set of CNN: The Complete First Season. This astonishing set features each and every hour (without, of course, the approximately twenty minutes of commercials per hour) of the first year of CNN's broadcasting, starting all the way back in June of 1980. Each DVD contains three hours of uncut, digitally remastered film and sound for a set that contains a record-setting one thousand, nine hundred and forty-seven discs. The extra features you crave are also present, from behind-the-scenes documentaries to commentaries, scene-to-storyboard comparisons and more!

Time Warner has also announced their intention to release the entire back catalog of CNN's broadcast history, so you're assured the perfect christmas gift for years to come. (MSRP: $26,000 CAD)

Shin-Tostuu, the Talking Toaster
Perfect For: Philosophists, Toast Perfectionists

It's finally happened: this Christmas, Kanzaki Heavy Industries of Japan are making the jump to North America by introducing Westerners to their wildly popular invention: Shin-Tostuu, the Talking Toaster.

Shin-Tostuu appears to be a regular toaster with a screen built into one side, but plug him in and prepare for an enlightening and tasty breakfast experience. Shin-Tostuu's built-in voice recognition software allows users, after a small orientation drill, to verbally specify their exact toasting preference. Shin-Tostuu respectfully obliges, of course, but the real value of the product comes while you are waiting for your toast.

You see, Shin-Tostuu, in addition to being a fine toaster, can also act as your philosophical and spiritual guide. Kanzaki Heavy Industries have built in hundreds of pre-programmed phrases that Shin-Tostuu will say as it applies just the right amount of heat. Users will not only have the satisfaction of a food product well-toasted, but will find enlightenment in the process. Just look at some of the great phrases from the Japanese version!

"Ebi no idaina saigo desu!"
How honorably shrimp struggle as they choke to death!

"Anata wa haru ichiban no sakura no yoni utsukushii."
You are as beautiful as spring's first cherry blossom.

"Sekai ichi no ginko ni otsutome desune."
I see you work for the largest bank on the planet.

Yes, soon you too will be able to put Shin-Tostuu to work for your stomach, as well as your mind! (MSRP: $119 CAD)

The OddJob Grill
Perfect For: Voracious Grillers of Meat, Goldfinger Fans

Let's face it: that Foreman grill thing is /obsolete/. With new recipes and variatons on your favorite meat products being invented every day, there is but one grill that can stand up to the challenge of just being able to bring about a satisfying meal.

That grill is the Oddjob Grill. A radically different grilling concept than the outdated Foreman variant, the Oddjob grill, while being adorned with everyone's favorite hat-tossing henchman, is perfectly able to make your grilled food taste nearly as fantastic as you could ever dream of. On top of that, should you or yours ever be in danger, you'll find that, much like Oddjob's hat, the grill itself makes a fantastic throwing weapon. Fend off foes and make great burgers at the same time! What could be finer?

Provided it is not banned on account of being far too deadly/tasty, the Oddjob Grill should be available everywhere. (MSRP: $50 CAD)


Well! That about finishes up this little awful gift roundup. Suffice it to say that these gifts will cause faces to cringe and lame promises of "Oh yeah, it's great!" to be spoken. If you feel you must get them one of these items at some point in your life, at the very least try saving it for one of the lesser holidays or a birthday. Let's try not to ruin Christmas for everyone, eh?


E-Mail/MSN: monster-0@alucentral.ca

Five Days Remain until the Magic Story Time Christmas Spectacular...

It should be noted that it took me a long time to find out just when CNN launched (June 1st, 1980, since you asked). Also, so far as I can tell, the math on the number of DVDs in that set is correct.

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